I did get a reasonable amount of sleep in the end, just at the wrong time. I was hoping to escape a post-Purim socialising ‘mental hangover’ as I woke feeling OK, but it seems to have set in over the afternoon. I wanted to do some serious Torah study this afternoon, but I’m not sure I’m going to manage more than half an hour or so.
I feel lonely again. I do wonder if there is anyone really like me. Some things today made me think that maybe if I went back on Facebook, I could find people like me. There’s a Facebook page for frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) geeky women that apparently has 2,500 members, so I guess there may be women like me out there. More platonically, a post on Den of Geek: Geeks Against Loneliness spoke of people, particularly autistic people, finding interest groups for obscure hobbies on Facebook (the one in the article was for fans of electricity pylons, which makes my love of or forty, fifty or sixty year old British science fiction TV drama seem mainstream). But then I remember what Facebook was actually like, the political posts that, even when I broadly agreed with them, were upsettingly angry and disturbingly question-begging, the fear of missing out, the comparing of my inner life to other people’s external lives and feeling inadequate, the opportunity for looking up people I was at school or university with and seeing they are doing better than I am… I don’t think it’s for me. If HaShem (God) intends me to meet my bashert (destined soulmate) that way, He’ll just have to find another way. I’m not going to risk my mental health there.
As I say, I’m coming round to the ideathat there are frum geeky women out there, which is something, I just don’t know how to meet them. I guess even “geeky” these days covers a huge number of different subcultures, so I wouldn’t necessarily even have much in common with a geeky woman if she was in to, for example, Game of Thrones and and the Marvel cinematic universe. I keep nearly meeting the right women, but there’s always something major that knocks the relationship of course. She’s not frum enough or she’s stopping being frum. She doesn’t want children. She wants someone richer. She lives in another country. And so on. Some of these things I’ve tried to overcome and some were just too final.
I’m just looking for a gentle, frum, geeky woman, in her thirties or so, with a sense of integrity, preferably living in the UK and who can cope with my depression, autism, low salary and problematic career path and the fact that I’m not a ‘normal’ frum guy. Some days that seems like a lot to ask for and some days it seems possible, but even on the good days, I’m not sure how I go about meeting her. I worry what I can offer her. Mostly love (if not necessarily shown in the most neurotypical way), fidelity, integrity, kindness and intelligence, but that doesn’t always seem like very much. I feel like anyone wanting that in a partner would have that as basic and would want extra ‘features’ and traits on top. I wish I was better-integrated into the frum community, to increase the chances of someone knowing someone who knows someone who is right for me. But, then again, most of the frum people I know don’t know about my geekiness, mental health issues or autism, so maybe that still wouldn’t work.