I got to bed about 3.30am, which was rather ridiculous. I had a horrible, gory nightmare that I won’t go into in detail, which was based on two accounts I read on Neshamas.com of women raped and abused by their husbands. It makes me angry that some men are so evil and exploitative.
I want to have a wife and children I can love, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to work out – soon or at all? I don’t know. I guess it’s good that I’m even acknowledging that I might get married one day. I’ve realised that accepting that I’m not going to get married isn’t going to work, because it doesn’t make me feel any less lonely. I can only tell myself that if I get married, then my wife may will have been through some kind of stress or trauma, so I have to be strong for her. This is probably a stupid thing to think, but it has been somewhat helpful in keeping me going, because I feel like I’m doing something for a reason/for someone else, rather than just trying to accept being unlovable and lonely indefinitely.
I feel a bit like I’m marking time until my autism assessment. That I’m not really able to deal with finding a new job or dating until I know where I stand. The thing is, there’s no guarantee I will be diagnosed. After all, I’ve had two assessments that said I’m not autistic, and even if I understand myself and autism better now than I did then, it’s still possible that I won’t be… I nearly wrote ‘accepted,’ which is telling, but I meant ‘diagnosed.’ I’m not sure what would happen then, as by this stage I’m 90% sure I am on the spectrum and I would not really accept that I’m not autistic unless someone came up with an alternative diagnosis that described me even better. But my assessment probably won’t come for another six months to a year, so I’m not sure what to do in the meantime. It has to be said, though, that I’ve investigated other diagnosis options (e.g. bipolar disorder) over the years without success, so I may still not be diagnosed autistic. I just feel there is something different about me, something that is more than ‘just’ depression, that how I think and act is noticeably different to other people, at least after you know what to look for.
I had my meeting at The Network, who provide group therapy and support. There wasn’t much left to offer now I’ve done both their group therapy courses, with mixed success. I was told that it’s good that I’m being proactive in job hunting and contacting support organisations like Remploy (who help disabled people into work) and A S Mentoring (who offer support in the workplace for people on the autism spectrum). I was asked what I wanted from The Network, which in my experience is what mental health service providers ask when they can’t think of anything to offer themselves; if they still have options left they tend to suggest them themselves. I said I couldn’t think of anything. I wasn’t sure what they actually had left to offer, plus I’m autistically bad with open questions like that.
I cried on the bus home without really knowing why, although I did at least manage to do some Torah study too. It was hard, as I was feeling too depressed to read.
When I got home I wanted to work on the job application I started the other day, but I couldn’t log into the site even though I was 90% sure I had the right password. I requested a single-use password to login and change my password, but didn’t receive one. I emailed for help, but by that stage it was after office hours, so I don’t hold out hope of being able to access it today. Interviews are on the week beginning 8 April, so I’m guessing they want the applications in by the end of this week. I won’t name the organisation, but it might just be a major institution whose incompetence has often been noted here in the past… I remembered that the main section I had left was the box where I should write why I wanted to apply for the job and tried to draft a response from memory, but I would have liked to have seen the form again, especially as the job description that I have saved is very vague and I think there was a more detailed one behind the password firewall.
I did at least use the time to work on my Doctor Who book, redrafting chapter four, although I’m still frustrated by how little I’ve been able to cut and by the fact that, stylistically, it isn’t what I want it to be, but I can’t enunciate how or why.