I’ve got a job interview tomorrow for a job that I feel I’m in some ways overqualified for and in other ways not qualified for, but it’s a job, so I’m going for it.  I do need to tell the job agency to stop putting me up for ‘library assistant’ jobs rather than ‘assistant librarian’ jobs.  I know the difference sounds trivial, but there’s a huge difference in skill sets: a library assistant has no professional training and basically puts books on shelves, whereas an assistant librarian has significant training (usually an MA) and is qualified to do run a library.  The job agency just put me up for every job with ‘library’ in it.  But this is a job and I’m desperate, and it might be good experience at using another library management system.

That job is supposed to start ASAP; I don’t know if that means they literally want me to start next week.  Pesach (Passover) preparations are starting in earnest now too, so that will take up a lot of time over the next two weeks.  My blog posts might get a bit shorter and/or more intermittent for the next few weeks, although I doubt I’ll stop entirely.  I just hope I can keep going through the stress.  I had a huge amount of anxiety today about Pesach, my job interview and about dating.  It was actually quite a struggle at times, and it’s going to get worse before it gets better, certainly regarding Pesach, but potentially regarding work and dating too.

I spoke to the shadchan (matchmaker) who found someone for me to potentially date with shared values.  It turns out I went to school with her (the woman I would be dating).  I’m struggling a bit to separate her in my mind from her twelve year old self.  I guess it will be easier once I actually see her as an adult.  I didn’t know her terribly well as I went to a very big school.  The school year was divided in halves and even for things where you mixed with students from other classes, like PE, it was only within your half of the year.  She was in the other half, so I didn’t really have much contact with her.  To be honest, unless someone was either my friend or was bullying me, I didn’t really pay much attention to them, particularly not if they were female (I didn’t really begin to notice women until I was in the sixth form, by which time she had left).  I know I have been set up on a date before with someone I was at school with, and given the small size of the Anglo-Jewish community, perhaps it’s not surprising, but it’s hard to try to get rid of associations I might have about someone I used to know, whether what I remember about her (which might not reflect how she is now) or the fact that I suppose I want to escape my schooldays, which weren’t terribly happy.

We will hopefully go on a date, but it probably won’t be for a while, because of Pesach preparations and Pesach itself, as well as me potentially starting a new job.

I guess overall the news here is good.  I suppose the biggest worry is that I’m being pushed to the wrong jobs.  The kind of library jobs suitable for someone with my level of training and experience aren’t really out there at the moment, which may be seasonal (I think/hope that academic librarian jobs are going to be more common in the summer, hiring to start in the new academic year in September), but I also have the worry that autism is creating an imbalance between my skills and training on the one hand and my ability to cope in a real work environment on the other, that I just can’t cope with a lot of jobs, particularly not those involving significant interpersonal interactions, such as school librarians.  I’ve seen quite a few school librarian jobs but have generally not applied for them after my previous experiences in further education.  That’s potentially a long-term problem that I need to solve.  There is also the problem that I have probably neglected my CPD, because with the depression it’s enough of an effort just to manage a part-time job without having to do extra reading or courses as well.  I have an appointment booked in for next week with someone from A S Mentoring, a charity that provides workplace advice and support for people on the autism spectrum, which might help a bit, but if I do start a job next week, I might have to postpone that.

I guess I need to have a serious think about my career path over the coming weeks.  And probably to try not to think about dating someone I was at school with, for fear of overthinking the situation and ruining the date before we even get to it.

2 thoughts on “Update and Anxieties

  1. I like the way you talk yourself through these anxieties and stresses. You have excellent coping skills and a logical mind. I hope the eventual date goes well, and that the job works out for you also!


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