The weekend went reasonably well. I slept too much on Shabbat (the Sabbath) again and missed shul (synagogue) in the morning, although I went in the evening to see our potential new rabbi. He seemed nice enough, but I suppose I feel slightly upset that as I was trying to build up relationships of trust with the current rabbi and the assistant rabbi and opening up a bit about my various issues and how they affect my Jewish life (mostly in a negative way), I now have to start all over again with a new rabbi. Obviously it’s going to take time to build up trust again, and coming at a time when I feel that my depression and autism have largely pushed me to the fringes of the frum (religious) community, it’s not necessarily going to be easy to begin again. I was too tired to go to the community meeting to vote him in this evening because I was out in the afternoon (see below), but I assume he was voted in (“elected” isn’t quite the right word as there were no other candidates). He had to get 66% of the vote to secure the position, though, which made me wonder if someone was worried of a Brexit-type scenario. (EDIT: he was voted in unanimously, which is definitely not like Brexit.)
Today I went to my sister and brother-in-law’s newly-refurbished house for tea. They invited a lot of family, but my brother-in-law’s family is much larger than our side of the family, so it was just my parents and me for our side and a lot more people from the other side, although I think I’m the only person who still feels self-conscious around the other side of the family. I coped OK. I didn’t get depressed about not being married or owning a house as I thought I would. I played a bit with my sister’s three year old nieces, although they were too tired to really be interested. I ate too many biscuits and rogelach (pastries) though, which is probably a nervous thing – I don’t talk to people, so I sit there feeling anxious, so I eat to give me something to distract myself. I think I’m crashing now from the sugar, feeling a bit depressed and anxious.
Other than that it’s been a slow weekend, some Pesach (Passover) preparation today, but not much else. Tomorrow I should find out about the job I was interviewed for on Friday, although given that they were expecting to decide on Friday afternoon (there were only four people on the shortlist) and I still haven’t heard, it seems unlikely that I’m the first choice.
I’m hoping to go to depression group tomorrow (assuming that I’m not working on Tuesday). The theme of the evening is hobbies, things people do to deal with depression and anxiety. I’m trying to get the courage to read out a blog post or two from here, given that writing is my biggest hobby and my most effective way of dealing with my depression and anxiety.
I realised that my Pesach fears are different to previous years. In the past I was worried that we would not prepare for Pesach correctly and I would end up eating forbidden chametz (leavened bread and its derivatives) on Pesach or that I would end up having a huge argument with my parents about the correct way to kasher things (make utensils usable for Pesach by purging of all traces of chametz). This year I’m fairly confident that for the last few years, our Pesach has been kosher and it probably will be this year too. Next week will be a crazy and stressful and rushed, but everything will probably turn out OK in the end. I probably will argue with my parents at some point, but that will be because we’re all stressed and not over some huge kashering issue that is going to sour our relationship forever. So my worries are more realistic now, although there is still the vague fear of something going really wrong unexpectedly – but that has happened in the past too and we’ve coped. It’s why we pay so much in shul membership, so that we can phone the rabbi three hours before Yom Tov (God forbid) with a difficult sha’alah (question) as I had to do a few years ago (everything was OK in the end). There’s less of the fear of divine punishment too, less feeling that God is waiting to pounce as soon as I make a mistake.