Someone should write a thesis on the way that anxieties grow in the absence of sleep or food. I couldn’t sleep last night and things that seemed OK during the day suddenly turned into bigger OCD anxieties when I was lying alone in the dark. I ended up emailing my rabbi mentor, but I woke up today, very late again, to see that he hasn’t replied yet (as of 7pm, which is 9pm where he is), which just makes the worries worse. I’m trying to keep things in perspective, as I’m not as anxious as I would have been in previous years, but I do feel that things are getting to me and I’ve got three more days of Pesach (Passover) preparation to get through. As it is, I’ve got a knot of anxiety in my stomach that has come and gone all day.
I’m trying to accept that it’s OK to be stressed, and depressed, and OCD-anxious, even/especially at this time of year. Trying not to think that other people seem to waltz through Pesach preparations without any worries, halakhic or otherwise. It’s hard; I’m not on Facebook and I don’t use Twitter, but it’s still easy to compare my insides (horribly emotional) with other people’s calm outsides.
Clearing out some files on my computer last night (stuff that I thought would trigger OCD if I left it there) I found some notes following a meeting with my parents’ rabbi, who at the time was my rabbi too: “Torah was not given to the ministering angels [a rabbinic phrase that basically means that God doesn’t expect us to keep the Torah perfectly, because we aren’t perfect. He has angels who are perfect, but He prefers our service to theirs because we have to struggle past our temptations and flaws]. We do our best, and leave the rest. Pesach has fences and safeguards. Don’t obsess over the last details of cleaning and kashering. Enjoy Yom Tov. Plan things to do, focus on things I enjoy about it.” It’s hard to do that, though. I’m actually struggling to think of enjoyable things I can do during the week. I was nearly in tears davening (praying) before, just feeling overwhelmed by emotion and by events. I feel that I’ve failed, that I’ve let everyone down, by giving in to my depression and anxiety again.
I went for a haircut this afternoon, which was awful. I mean, the process of getting it, not how it has been cut. I shook a bit, to the extent that the barber was unwilling to start at first, until his boss said something to him in a language I don’t understand. I sat there with my eyes scrunched tight almost the whole time, repeating in my head that God loves me and that He has so much confidence in me that He has given me all these challenges (depression, OCD, social anxiety, loneliness etc.) because He knows I can cope with them. Except that I don’t feel that I can cope with them. The experience left me feeling shattered and exhausted. I went into a couple of charity shops on the way home, but I didn’t buy anything. Maybe I should have done.
I just keep thinking that I’ve let everyone down: family, friends, God, L. (who I’m not even quite dating yet). It’s not my fault if I shake or feel depressed or feel OCD anxious… but somehow it feels like it is.