I guess I posted my last post too soon. I just had dinner with my parents and it didn’t go well. Dad wanted to carry on talking about my job interview and told me that I should have answers to why I want the job and where I see myself in five years time. I sort of have a stock answer for why I want a librarianship job in higher education, but it seems less and less accurate; I really don’t think I’m cut out to be an academic librarian (but then what am I cut out for?). The five years question is just impossible. I don’t know where I see myself in five months. I don’t know if I even want to be a librarian in five years time. Dad said that I should say I want to take on more responsibility in the library, which might not be true even if I stay as a librarian (like a lot of autistic people, I have very little personal or professional ambition). I said that I could say that, but it would be a lie. Dad got annoyed with me and I ended up saying, rather more loudly than I intended, “I’m sorry I’m depressed, I’m trying hard…” and then breaking off.
I know it’s not easy for my parents having their elder child living at home in his mid-thirties, especially as my younger sister has left home long ago and ticked almost all the adult boxes (career, husband, house, mortgage) and I know it isn’t easy that my mood is often low, that I’m often negative, pessimistic and irritable and that they still are, in some sense, my carers (not to mention my bankers). But it’s not easy for me being in this situation either, and I’m the one who has to live with my emotions and my autism 24/7.
I insisted on doing at least some of the washing up to apologise, even though I have zero energy.
I feel really guilty right now, not so much for the incident above as for other things that I would sort of like to write about, but feel that I shouldn’t. I don’t feel that I’m a very good or lovable person.
I don’t feel tired enough to sleep, but I have zero motivation, concentration or energy to do anything, not to read and not even to watch TV. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to fill the next three hours before bed.