Up late again today, despite going to bed a little earlier. No strong anxiety or OCD, but I’m still in a moderately deep depression with no obvious triggers other than the stress of the time of year, and perhaps too much ‘peopling’ (although that was nearly a week ago now). Still feeling wiped out today, although the cold symptoms have subsided, and I feel apprehensive about going to Oxford on Sunday for the Doctor Who Society’s thirtieth anniversary get together (there will be lots of people I don’t know! And probably some who I do know, but haven’t seen for years!) followed by therapy on Monday (a one-off session at the moment via Skype, with my psychodynamic therapist, as I felt the need to talk some issues through) and then my date with L. in the afternoon, which is a lot of anxiety-provoking peopling in rapid succession, particularly if I manage to get to shul (synagogue) quite a bit over Yom Tov (the end of Passover, tonight until Saturday night).
Thinking morose thoughts about the world. Lots of Jews think that this is ‘the generation of the footsteps of Mashiach (Messiah),’ the final generation before the start of the Messianic Age. I have no idea if this is true. The Talmud says that the period before the coming of the Mashiach will be a generation poor in Torah scholarship, arrogant, lacking in true leadership, lacking in respect for the elderly or for parents, impudent and heretical. This seems true of today, but it seems true of most periods, at least to those who lived through them. But I hope and pray, and try not to think about it too much; I find the millenarianism of much of the fundamentalist Jewish (and Christian, and Muslim) world disturbing and counter-productive. One should do teshuva (repentance) and mitzvot (commandments) and study Torah, and leave the rest of HaShem (God). Although it is probably difficult to avoid it at this time of year – the festival of redemption, in the month of redemption, when the Mashiach will come, according to tradition. The Hasidim even celebrate the Feast of Mashiach on the last day of Pesach.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say in this post. I really just wanted to check in as I’m going to be out of contact for at least forty-eight hours, maybe much longer. I suppose I’m feeling lonely and a little apprehensive. Chag sameach.