Last night I was still thinking about the Doctor Who Society anniversary party after I posted about it. One thing that came to mind, which has also come to mind a bit with some people from shul (synagogue) lately, is that some people seemed to actually like me. This is a big thing for me to get my head around. At school I thought only a handful of geeky kids liked me. At university I was quite reluctant to describe anyone as my friend, as I only saw them at society events (Doctor Who Society or Jewish Society) and thought that they didn’t want to see me outside that. Then for a long time when my depression was bad I thought, on some level at least, that people were only really my friend out of pity, because they were sorry for the state I was in. So it’s been quite a shock recently (I mean over the last few months) to realise that some people seem to actually like me for who I am, even if they are aware of my mental health issues and the way I feel I don’t always quite fit in the communities I would like to belong to (Jewish community, Doctor Who fan community). I’m still not quite sure how to process this.
Another thing I’m trying to process is my date with L. I don’t really want to say too much about it as I don’t feel it’s appropriate to talk too much about dating while I’m actually going out with someone. I don’t really know what to think, but that’s quite normal for me after a first date, particularly if it’s a blind date. I guess L. in many ways is not the type of woman I have dated before or assumed I would marry, which may be a good thing, but I need time to process it. We decided to go on another date, though (L. brought the subject up as I was going to wait, having been told in the past that I’m too quick to ask for another date).
Rabbi Lord Sacks has produced a calendar of thoughts, one per day for the omer (the period when we count the days between Pesach and Shavuot (Passover and Pentecost)). I suppose it’s a kind of advent calendar, but with inspirational thoughts instead of chocolates. One recent one stated that “Next time you meet someone radically unlike you, try seeing difference not as a threat but as an enlarging, possibility-creating gift.” So I’m trying to see possibilities rather than worries. But I am of course worrying and over-thinking everything, as usual.