I feel burnt out again today, which probably isn’t surprising after yesterday. The good news for today is that I have an job interview next week at a Very Important Organisation. HR were supposed to send me an email, but didn’t. The first I heard was when I received an email from someone else in the organisation (I assume a librarian) adding additional information. I still don’t have the HR invitation, so I hope I’m not missing important instructions.
I tried to write a piece of writing with deliberate grammatical errors that I can correct and put on my proofreading profile page as a portfolio to try to get proofreading work. It proved harder than it looks. I could make and correct the mistakes just fine, but I found it impossible to just write ‘something’ without any kind of idea of what to write. Like platonic soup, platonic writing, writing that isn’t about anything, but which is just writing, turns out not to exist. I wasted quite a bit of time trying to do that and procrastinating as I realised I wasn’t getting anywhere. I tried taking a book review I wrote years ago and inserting mistakes, but that didn’t really work either. So I switched to writing a job application for a law library job I don’t really want and won’t get, but I had zero enthusiasm for that either.
Eventually I gave up and went for a walk and to do some shopping. By the time I got home from that, I was exhausted. I hate not having energy, motivation and concentration any more. The only thing I wanted to do was to write. Actual writing, not writing pseudo-nonsense to show I can correct grammatical errors. I feel that the only thing I can really do well is write about my feelings and experiences. That’s the only thing I do that other people show much of an interest in. I want to try to find a way to monetise that, but it’s scary. Apart from the fact it’s a rather niche thing to be good at, with any creative job, there is always the fear (for me at any rate) that one day inspiration and talent will just dry up. That’s not good for someone on the autism spectrum who doesn’t like uncertainty. Although my autism means I don’t much like most workplaces, so there are advantages as well as drawbacks.
Ashley Leia wrote this post about not using the word “should.” I have heard this before and always struggled with it, perhaps because of my religious beliefs. I really think there are things I should and shouldn’t do. However, a little later I was writing something about autism and I realised that actually a lot of my shoulds come from being autistic and having other people try to adjust my behaviour to neurotypical norms, particularly when I was a child: that I should make eye contact and I should have open body language and I shouldn’t stim and I should socialise even when I don’t want to and I should know how to have a conversation and I shouldn’t have to ask for help with basic everyday tasks. That’s actually quite scary, to see how much I’ve been made into a malfunctional neurotypical rather than a functional autistic person.