I don’t have much to say today. Or rather I do, but I don’t feel that I should say it, so this is a bit of a placeholder post to check in with the people who I know read this regularly and to hint that there will probably be more stressful posts in the not too distant future.
I’m not currently in therapy and I use my blog as my main outlet for emotional release, so it’s hard when something is upsetting me that I don’t feel I should talk about here. I know my blog isn’t truly anonymous (and it could potentially become totally non-anonymous if I ever publish material from it as I would like to do) and talking about people behind their back seems wrong even if it isn’t clear who they are. But I am currently dealing with a difficult situation. I think I know deep down what the answer is, but it’s painful, and not just to myself. I hate to hurt someone else, even if I know that it is necessary (although I’m not completely sure that it is yet). I’m trying to keep an open mind for now without over thinking things, but I’m not terribly good at either of those things.
This situation and my job interview on Tuesday between them are going to throw me out of my comfort zone and make the next week or two difficult. I think I really just want to be safe or comfortable in my life, with a settled career, family and community, but I don’t have any of those things (I have family in the sense of my parents and sister, but not wife and children) and the effort to get them is a big struggle, often too hard for me to cope with, or so it seems. I suppose God probably doesn’t want me/anyone to be too comfortable in this world, because we’re here to grow and growth generally doesn’t come from comfortable complacency, but I wish I could be a bit more comfortable.
What is more positive is that I’ve finished the third draft of another chapter of my Doctor Who book. I’ve got three more chapters to redraft, and I need to write one from scratch for the latest episodes. The problem is that I still can’t get it to ‘sing’ the way I want. It’s OK, but it’s not great and I’m not sure whether anyone would really want to publish it. It’s very frustrating. I have things to say, I just don’t seem to be able to write them the way I would like. I know a few people seemed to like the blog posts I wrote that the book is based on, but I’m not sure whether anyone would pay good money for the book version, even if it is significantly longer (approximately twice the length with one and a half new chapters, if I finish the one I need to write from scratch).