I feel depressed and anxious, but there isn’t really much I can say right now. There’s a lot I want to say, but it is going to have to wait a day. However, I want to reach out, so I’m trying to find something to say. This is the blogging equivalent of when I’m depressed and lonely and I go downstairs and hang around until my parents say something to me.
I had a knot of nausea in my stomach much of the day, struggling with anxiety, both dating anxiety and job interview anxiety. It seems unfair to have both at the same time, but I guess life isn’t fair. I don’t really want to talk about dating at the moment, but I looked again at the job description for my interview tomorrow and I wondered why they were even calling me to interview. I only applied on the off chance, because I don’t have most of the experience they want. I tried to prepare by imagining being asked “Tell me about a time you demonstrated attribute X”-type questions, but I really can’t imagine how I would do that for the things they want as I genuinely have not done them. I suppose they have their reasons for calling me. I’m trying to remember if I listed that I had a disability (depression and/or autism) which might have led to them calling me to tick the necessary diversity boxes rather than because they realistically think I could do the job. I have mixed feelings about positive discrimination, but no one ever points out that it makes the candidates who succeed paranoid that they aren’t good enough and are just meeting a quota. I do still worry that I wasn’t “really” Oxford material and I only got in to meet a quota of students from comprehensive schools.
I did manage to cook dinner for tonight and tomorrow. I also went for a blood test (routine lithium level check which I need on my meds), which turned out to have been booked for tomorrow. I’m not sure how I made that mistake. Fortunately they squeezed me in today, although the receptionist gave me a stern talking to about the importance of checking appointment times carefully. It was just one more thing going wrong.
I do wonder if I will ever get my life together, get a career and a home and a wife and children. Be able to actually function as an independent adult and not be dependent on other people, their time and their money (and their patience). Get some kind of religious life that seems meaningful to me, rather than flailing about trying to find meaning and purpose and not really finding them. Everything seems so far away. I try to tell myself that, viewed over the long-term, my life is definitely getting better. My mood is better, my activity level is higher, my OCD largely under control. I probably have more friends than ever before, albeit that I don’t really have much of a social life because most of my friends are long-distance and/or online friends. It’s just that the improvements are glacially slow, occurring over a decade or more, so slow that it is hard to believe they are happening, and that it is hard to believe that they could continue to happen fast enough and for long enough for me to manage to marry young enough to have children (among other things). I know I’ve said before that everyone laughs at me when I say I have a biological clock ticking, but (a) older men do have fertility issues, albeit not in the same ways as women and, more to the point, (b) I really can’t see a forty-something version of me dating twenty-something women to have a family. Yes, I’ve heard all the stories of older men who marry younger women and produce happy families, I just can’t see it happening to me, not least because I expect the attraction of such men to young women is partly that they are rich and settled, and I can’t really imagine being either of those things.
I sometimes think that the worst thing in life is when we get what we want, and it turns out not to be good for us. That’s what I’m brooding on now. But it’s impossible not to want anything, unless you’re a complete tzadik (saint) or possibly a Buddhist.