Lately I’ve been waking around 10am, getting up after a while, but spending hours eating breakfast and idly browsing online or going back to bed instead of getting dressed, because I don’t have the energy or motivation to get ready. Listening to music, despite the omer, because depressed people are allowed to listen to music. Fighting scary, violent thoughts about myself.
I had three potential jobs to apply for today. None of them was very appealing, nor was I particularly likely to get them, but in the end I applied for a law research post rather than a law librarian or school librarian post. That was a simple application (basically set up an online account with a job site and attach my CV), so I tried to apply for the other law librarian post, only to discover I had already applied and been rejected. I’m not sure I can face the idea of school librarianship, so I’m leaving that for now.
I still haven’t dared raise the subject of reading some of my Doctor Who book with my fan friends. I moved towards asking some, but haven’t done it yet, as they really do seem very busy and stressed with family crises. I wish I knew more people I could ask. I feel envious of books that have an acknowledgements announcement that goes on for three pages; how do they know so many people? I’m not satisfied with the book, but don’t know how to move forwards with it. I wrote some notes for a blog post for my Doctor Who blog the other day which, when I looked again the next day, turned out to be incoherent nonsense, which didn’t help my self-esteem.
On my last post, Ashley Leia asked me if fitting in is a prerequisite for acceptance. I feel it is, but have trouble developing that thesis beyond getting bullied at school for being different. In the conformist world of the frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) community, there can even be a religious imperative to not accepting the nonconformist, as people are encouraged to choose their friends carefully to make sure they are good influences. That has never happened to me, but I’ve read online about people being ostracised or fearing ostracism for artistic endeavours, having the ‘wrong’ political opinions or accepting modern science and it scares me into preemptively disguising my beliefs and interests as well as my autism and depression.
There’s a paradox in the frum community in that many prominent rabbis have spoken of the need to cultivate one’s individuality (the Kotzker Rebbe said this a lot or, for a more modern perspective, see Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik’s essay Religious Styles in the collection Halakhic Morality: Essays on Ethics and Masorah, in which he says that as well as needing to perform the mitzvot (commandments), one must also develop a unique personal religious style), but the community as a whole seems to remain conformist. Or maybe it only seems that way from the outside, because I don’t know enough people? Perhaps I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong. The general rule is that the more conservative the community, the more conformist. In addition, people higher up the social scale can get away with more than other people, which I suppose is true in most cultures. I know I’m at the bottom of the heap, so I keep schtum.
Of course, all human communities are conformist to some extent, that is where the feeling of kinship comes from.
As some of you may have seen me complain elsewhere, I feel a lack of clear role models for my boundary-breaking self, in both the Jewish and the non-Jewish community. There are a lack of both real-life and fictional heroes who show you can be e.g. modern and religious, believing and questioning, frum and geeky and so on. It is hard to orientate myself armed only with Chaim Potok novels.
Related to this is my relationship with HaShem (God), which has lately felt strained. My davening (prayer) and hitbodedut (spontaneous prayer/meditation) have become very mechanical and routine. My Torah study, when I do it, is as much about learning ancient languages as engaging with HaShem. When I was very depressed, I sometimes used to feel very far from HaShem, but at other times I would feel close (there probably was some grandiosity here, perhaps almost psychotically so). Now I feel distant, but I don’t feel yearning. I don’t really feel anything. I want to be religious, but I no longer feel that I know how, if I ever did. I don’t know how to connect with people, which is necessary in Judaism as one finds God in community not in isolation, and this is problematic enough, but I if I can’t connect with people, I certainly can’t connect with HaShem. On this note, it seems that most of the autistic people I’ve come across online or at autism group are not obviously religious. I don’t really know what to do.