I woke up today feeling totally wiped out, exhausted and depressed. In a way these days are a little easier than days when I’m a bit down, but still feel I ought to job hunt or work on my books or study a lot of Torah because it’s easier to accept that I can’t do as much as I would like.
Although I hoped to go to volunteering late, in the end I missed it completely. I wasn’t well enough. I felt useless and sinful.
I went for a walk and did literally two minutes of Torah study. That’s all I managed. Other than that I just watched TV (Doctor Who, research for my book including the terrible, historically inaccurate and antisemitic The Witchfinders which was only watched because I needed to do so) until it was time to go out with my family for my Mum’s birthday. The food was good, but they ran out of dessert and we had to pay by cash as their card reader broke. The restaurant was too noisy for me, with a lot of customer noise plus ‘background’ music at just the right level to annoy me: too quiet to listen to properly, but loud enough to distract me with vaguely-recognisable beats and stop me listening to the conversation as my autistic brain tries to tune in to it properly. I mostly let the conversation wash over me and didn’t worry too much about joining in. It seemed the easiest option. Although I did identify Come On Eileen, Dancing Queen and I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles); also some Beatles, but I forget what.
Because there was no dessert, my sister and brother-in-law came back to our house for hot drinks and cake. I found that a bit easier because it was quieter, even if the conversation centred on our shared dismay at the political situation. I do feel bloated after everything I’ve eaten this evening.
While we were out, my Mum mentioned that the woman she wanted to set me up with some time ago (daughter of her friends who had mental health issues) is now engaged. So that’s another missed opportunity, or a narrow escape from more rejection, depending on how you want to look at it.
I feel lonely. It’s still hard to believe anyone could ever want me. I certainly don’t think I could find someone in time to have children, which upsets me, let alone that I could be well enough for dating, marriage and children to be realistic prospects any time in the next few years. It’s frustrating that there is no religiously legitimate outlet for my sexuality and no practical outlet for my desire to love and be loved romantically. It’s frustrating that the women I have liked were not interested in me. It’s also frustrating that I recently found someone who was interested in me, but she wasn’t right for me at all. Although probably on days like today I’m being selfish anyway. I want someone to love me, but I don’t have the energy/capability to love anyone else.
I suspect people like me don’t get married or have children or find communities they fit in. I should be glad I even have a few friends, as I don’t think I deserve/could cope with that.