I slept for about twelve hours again. It’s quite awful, sleeping so long and waking more tired than I went to sleep, too tired to get up, but in many ways the worst of it is not being able to tell people, because it sounds luxurious and lazy. It’s terrible. I don’t have refreshing sleep, although as far as I can tell it’s not particularly interrupted (I must wake up enough to turn off my alarm, but I don’t consciously notice it). I eventually get the strength to get up and eat breakfast, but it takes an hour or more after that to get the energy and motivation to get dressed.
I feel lethargic and depressed, like Sherlock Holmes after solving a difficult case. Except I haven’t caught a murderer or found a missing treaty. I haven’t really done anything for about a week and a half, except a bit of work on my Doctor Who book. Is this still exhaustion from breaking up with L. and having two job interviews in a week?
Today not only did I get up too late to daven Shacharit (say morning prayers), as often happens, I even postponed Mincha (the Afternoon Service) until after lunch because I didn’t have the energy – I actually felt physically faint and weak. I did try to fill in a job application, but I struggled to get the energy and concentration, plus they asked some quite detailed questions about types of tasks I’ve never done (e.g. designing and delivering information skills workshops) or things that I’ve never really thought about (e.g. the single most pressing issue for higher education). Not for the first time, I wonder how most people can have full-time jobs and do CPD and have homes and families and have social lives and have hobbies all at the same time. I can’t manage any of them.
It’s just a struggle to get through the day. I was determined to get to autism group tonight, as I haven’t been for six months or more. That’s where all my energy went. It was a waste of time, though. It was supposed to start at 6pm, but my experience is that no one gets there then. I was aiming for 6.15, but because I miscalculated and my train was delayed, I didn’t get there until 6.45. By this time, everyone was deep in conversation. I had only seen one person there previously. None of the people I was hoping to see, people I’ve ‘clicked’ with and been able to talk to in the past were there. I sat on the fringes of conversations for a bit, trying to get in, but I wasn’t able to do so. I’m very bad at that sort of thing. One or two people said hi, but no one really spoke to me. So far as I could tell, most of the people were talking about computer games. I don’t play computer games. And I was spacing out from the noise and struggling to hear properly (I’ve often wondered why a group for autistic people meets in such a busy, noisy place). After fifteen minutes, I was desperate to leave. The final straw was when the man and woman to my left who were talking to someone who hadn’t been before mentioned in passing that they were in a relationship and met through the group. This provoked an inevitable comparison of myself to them, and the way I just can’t meet women who are interested in me. So, I pretended my phone went off and left.
I am not proud of myself, not least because I wasted the extortionate cost of a Tube fare into London, and really wasted the whole day, because I could have tried harder to fill in the job application if I hadn’t left around 5.10pm. To be fair, I was practically in tears on the Tube going to the group, so maybe I wasn’t in the best state of mind to start with.
Inevitably, I’m thinking again what a mess my life is and how I have not made anything of it. Thinking that I’ve never really managed to fit into any community, be it academic, religious or fandom-based. I didn’t fit in to the Jewish Society in Oxford, nor did I fit in with the other historians in my college (who seemed to be quite drink-and-party orientated, or maybe they just seemed that way in comparison to me, someone who went to bed at 11.00pm and tried to get up early even though he was a humanities student). I fitted in a bit better to the Doctor Who Society, but had to miss a lot of their events because of Judaism (meals in non-kosher restaurants, location visits on Saturdays). I don’t fit in to my shul (synagogue). I despair of ever getting married. I just can’t see it happening. No one likes me that much and my lack of income is a serious issue. I can’t build a career, I can’t live the type of religious life of community, prayer, religious study and mitzvah performance that I want. I just can’t. I don’t know how to try any more or who to turn to for help. No one – I mean friends and family – seems to think things are so hopeless, but they don’t have any constructive suggestions other than to keep applying for jobs I don’t want and to go to shadchanim (matchmakers) to try to get set up with women even though I’m unemployed and not what any frum woman would be looking for.
OK, going to stop now because I’m just making myself feel more depressed. One last thing: today I got the results of a routine blood test I had a couple of weeks ago: my lithium level is rather low. The doctor didn’t query it, but I think it’s below the therapeutic range (I’ve long had issues trying to get my lithium level right on lithium tablets). So maybe that’s why I’m struggling at the moment, if there weren’t enough other reasons. I will try to mention it to the psychiatrist when I see her next week.
OK, Blake’s 7 and/or Doctor Who now. I feel too depressed to do anything, but I’m going to force myself to watch something and not sit with my thoughts or aimlessly browse online.