I realised I’ve hardly spoken to anyone in forty-eight hours, since my parents have been away. Aside from a few words at autism group yesterday, and the What’sApp call with my Mum that went badly on Monday evening, that’s about it, unless you count saying “excuse me” as I tried to get past people on the Tube yesterday. This is what happens when I’m left on my own. I’m not even sure if I’m lonely, exactly. Just lost inside my head.
Otherwise, it’s the same as usual: sleeping too much, impossible to get going when I wake up, loneliness, depression… I tried to work on a job application, but it’s a struggle to deal with their rather precise questions, which seem to indicate that I don’t have the necessary experience. Maybe I’ll have another go another day, if I feel better.
Given the trajectory of my life over the last five or ten years, I am beginning to believe things might get somewhat better for me and I’ll learn to manage my mental health issues and autism better. However, I don’t think I’ll ever be totally free of them. I’m uncertain as to whether I will ever build any kind of meaningful career for myself (as a librarian, writer or anything else) or whether I will manage it in time to save enough to support myself in old age or in case of other depression episodes. Likewise, while I am trying to stay open to the idea of marrying “one day,” it is very hard to believe I will marry at an age when I will be able to have children. I suppose it’s an improvement on how I used to be, when I felt I could never get any better, an idea that was supported by my lack of progress.
I suppose I should try to do something productive with my day. It’s 6.45pm. I’ve been awake for nearly six hours and I haven’t done anything except eat breakfast and lunch, get dressed, daven Mincha (say Afternoon Prayers) and try and fail to work on my job application (not to mention procrastinating a lot). I would like to go for a walk, or work on one of my books or do some miniature painting or study Torah for a few minutes. I don’t feel like I could really do any of them, let alone all of them, but I will try to go for a walk in a minute and see if that helps at all.