Sometimes I try to say something meaningful about depression and autism here, even if it is only my personal, subjective experience of them. Other days I just off-load. Today is an off-loading day (sorry). Actually, it’s more to update the handful of people following this blog regularly, as there isn’t even a lot to off-load, emotionally.
Today was not tangibly better than yesterday. I still feel exhausted and depressed. My main achievements were finishing a job application (which was fairly easy once I got down to it) and walking to and from the shops and going shopping. This took an hour or so, but by the time I got home, I was feeling faint from exhaustion, so tired did it make me. I didn’t get to shul (synagogue) as I had hoped either. At times like these, I wonder how I am supposed to function ‘normally’ in the world. Last time I checked, I do not qualify for disability benefits (although my psychiatrist thought otherwise last week, so I need to check), but I struggle to work even part-time; at the moment, it’s a struggle to apply for some jobs and do some chores.
I did manage half an hour of Talmud study, somehow (it was a surprisingly easy amud (page), fortunately) and ten minutes or more of other Torah study.
I tried to write some emails asking writer friends for advice about starting a paid writing career, but it was hard to engage my brain to ask meaningful, non-trivial questions. I feel I need help quite desperately if I am to build a completely new career with very little knowledge and no contacts, but I don’t know what questions to ask. Perhaps it’s the autistic thing of poor executive function: difficulty seeing the big picture rather than the details (I’m focused on what are probably minor points), difficulty coping with a blank sheet of paper (“Ask me anything!” “Um…”) as well as social anxiety (“Why would they even respond to my questions anyway?”). I need to find questions to ask, but I just want to scream “HELP!!!” I was lucky that E. helped me a bit with writing the questions. I’ve sent one load of questions off and hope to send some more in a day or two.
The good news is that I got positive results from the complaint emails I sent yesterday: a full refund on the DVD with the broken casing and a partial (50%) refund on the book with the damaged spine.
And that was it, really. I watched two episodes of Blake’s 7, one awful (Moloch) and one okay (Death-Watch). I’ve realised that from this point on, good Blake’s 7 episodes are going to be a minority. I have one quite good episode from series three, but most of the fourth and final series was pants, to put it bluntly. Maybe it was a mistake to decide to watch the whole series again. I might interrupt it with the BBC Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy/Smiley’s People DVD that arrived the other day (the one with the broken case) and save Blake’s 7 for when I’m too tired or depressed to concentrate on George Smiley.