I got two emails today that made me feel anxious. The shadchan (matchmaker) from the values-based dating service got back to me and said she’s put me back in the system and I got an email from the assistant editor of a science fiction magazine saying that they don’t have formal submissions guidelines, but I can pitch ideas to them. Both these things are terrifying me. With regard to dating, I was hoping I’d somehow slipped through the cracks, to be honest. I don’t feel up to dating right now despite my loneliness and despite what my parents and my rabbi mentor say. However, this soon slipped from my mind as I focused on the other worry.
With regard to the science fiction magazine, it’s more complicated. I googled the rumoured Blu-ray releases of TV science fiction for later this year as this magazine often ties articles to merchandise. The rumoured releases aren’t confirmed yet, but they gave me an idea of some things to pitch. It’s a start anyway. I spent the afternoon and early evening brainstorming article ideas and writing a pitch based on them. I do feel awkward that the clips (examples of my work) are all several years old, but I guess that’s what happens when one is starting out.
I do feel anxious writing the pitch. It’s fear of rejection, but also social anxiety fear of drawing attention to myself and possibly looking stupid. Or maybe even fear of moving on with my life. I suppose a therapist would suggest I’m self-sabotaging out of fear of moving forward and that’s probably true on some level. I’m trying to treat it as a learning curve and tell myself I will be rejected (at some point), but I can grow from rejections.
A flier sent out by my shul (synagogue) had a quote from Rabbi E. E. Dessler (twentieth century ethicist) who said, “When you have a true ambition for something, you will not give up hope. Giving up hope is a sign that you are lacking in ambition to achieve that goal” so we shall see how much ambition I have. I’m trying to believe that things could go well and that God could want this to work out for me, but it’s hard.
(It also feels deeply weird to be writing to someone whose opinions I’ve been reading in this very magazine since I was thirteen years old, but that’s a side issue.)