I sometimes find reality too much to cope with. When I was a child, I used to wonder if I was an actor in a futuristic soap opera and I was given drugs to make me hallucinate what (I thought) was happening to me so I would act realistically, but when I went to sleep I would wake up in the real world and live my real life. I don’t think I ever believed that was literally true, but I obviously liked to play with the idea that I had a different life, somewhere.
I don’t think that I’m in a soap opera or hallucinating any more, but I there is definitely a solipsistic cast to my mind. I think on some level I find it hard to believe that the real world ‘out there’ is as real as the one in my head, and I’m rather ashamed to admit that I probably struggle to believe that other people’s thoughts are as real as my own. It probably stems from an autistic difficulty reading other people’s thoughts; if I can’t read them, it’s hard to take them into account.
I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me in the last few days. I did something that hurt some people I care about, although it was not my intention. I don’t know how much is really my fault, but I blame myself. At the same time, I feel that every few years, I fall out with good friends because they can’t cope with my mental health and autism situation, and I don’t know how much of that is my fault (as in, I could do things differently if I wanted to) and how much is just the way I am and I have to resign myself to the fact that either I have to keep my friends at arm’s length and not let them into my world or accept that my good friends will only last a couple of years before the inevitable overload, explosion and cutting themselves off from me. Even with the therapist I saw for many years, there was more than one occasion when the therapeutic relationship broke down almost completely and I wasn’t sure whether to go on seeing her and she felt there was little point in her carrying on seeing me. I do seem to be too much for most people to handle.
I worry that ‘knowing me’ and ‘liking me’ are mutually exclusive. A few people manage both, but not many. I know I sometimes come across as selfish and uncaring because of autism and depression. This is not my intention, but I don’t always know how to act as I’m expected to act. Yet I want to have close relationships, which require knowing and being known, as well as liking and being liked. Am I doomed to be lonely forever?
This all makes me want to withdraw inside myself even more, cut off my contacts with people “for their own good, before I hurt them.” Keep my existing friends distant. Stop talking to my parents about my feelings. Above all, stop blogging. Except I can’t stop blogging, because the world in my head needs to be let out somehow. Even so, part of me is feeling that I should abandon this blog and start a new one with no readers. Do it differently – somehow – next time. I doubt I will actually do that, but my thoughts at the moment are tending towards the self-critical.