I woke up feeling awful, even by my usual standards, incredibly depressed and exhausted. I dreamt about the sin of the golden calf (probably because it was mentioned in passing in the shiur (religious class) yesterday) and feeling unbearably far from God. In the dream, I reflected that it would be better to be in Gehennom (Hell/Purgatory) than here, because at least there one would know for sure that God exists, even if one can not reach Him. I woke up feeling so lonely and depressed that it took me three quarters of an hour to be able to get up.
The Talmud states that while some dreams can be a form of prophecy, most dreams are simply the product of our waking thoughts and even prophetic dreams contain some nonsense. They suggest reframing a negative dream in a positive light through positive interpretation (I’m not sure if the idea is that reframing makes good things happen on some mystical level or if it simply helps us view events positively from a psychological perspective whatever happens). I’m not sure how to make something good out of this. I suppose it shows I’m genuinely concerned about being far from God, but it doesn’t tell me how accurate that feeling is or how to overcome it.
Watching Star Trek Discovery, I feel what I often feel about Star Trek in its various iterations, that the team spirit and mutual support that the characters give one another is reassuring, but also makes me feel lonely for not having a support network like that.
I also feel that I have thoughts to share, but I don’t know how to share them, how to find places where they might fit, pitch them properly and get them published. I’m also scared to write anything about politics or religion for fear of getting flamed, but those topics are fairly predominant in my thoughts.
I went to get my new phone today and discovered that my current phone is so old that they can’t transfer my data to the new one. This doesn’t bother me too much, as I hardly have any numbers on there anyway, I have almost no apps and I don’t really use the camera phone as I shake too much to get a clear picture with it.
What it does do is drive home how few friends I have. I’ve lost three friends in the last year and drifted away from more. Two were the ones who fell out with me a few weeks ago (I’m still not entirely sure why). Another treated me quite badly, but I took the cowardly way out and didn’t say anything and just let the friendship drift away. I didn’t need to ghost him, as he never made contact with me anyway, which I would say is telling, but most of my friends have been like that, historically. And then there are other friends I’ve just drifted away from. No histrionics or ghosting, just not coming into contact with each other any more or having things in common now they have careers and families. I suppose I’ve been avoiding making contact because I feel inferior to them, and they don’t often make contact with me so nothing happens.
I should get ready for Shabbat (the Sabbath). It’s probably not ideal to go into a day that is always difficult, from a social anxiety and autism point of view, while in a lonely and self-critical state of mind, but I don’t really know what else I can do. I’m glad I have E. and one or two other more distant friends, and that I have a reasonable relationship with my parents, sister and brother-in-law. Also that there are a few people at shul (synagogue) who seem to like me, even if I don’t generally know what to do about that because of my high-functioning autism.