The house is sporty today. Mum watched the tennis while Dad watched the cricket. I should add that this is all on TV (although Dad is going to the cricket later in the week with my brother-in-law). I have zero interest in cricket and tennis, or netball and formula one racing (which apparently were also on today). I have zero interest in watching any sport. I can sort of see the appeal of playing sport, but I’ve never really seen the appeal of watching other people play sport. Maybe I’m just not competitive.
Ashley Leia said on my last post that I do a lot of peopling on Shabbat which I guess is true, although at the moment I’m so focused on the fact that I keep missing morning shul because of social anxiety that I don’t focus on how much other social interaction I have, especially as interactions with my parents feel like they shouldn’t count as draining. They aren’t as stressful as other social interactions, but they are still draining on some level. No wonder Sundays tend to be something of a depressive wash out (including today).
There was an article in the newspaper about “incels” – “involuntarily celibate” men who become angry and misogynistic. Well, it could be that they become angry and misogynistic, but equally it could be anger issues and misogyny that keep them celibate. They seem to have an entitled attitude that assumes that they should get to sleep with whoever they want to. The thing is, some of the incels mentioned in the article have mental health issues or autism, which made the article resonate with me in a negative way.
I would not identify as an incel, but if I’m asked about my sexuality (which, generally speaking, I’m not), I would define as “celibate” because that does define me more than being heterosexual, at least in some ways. Even though my celibacy is for both religious and emotional reasons, because I would not have sex outside marriage and because I couldn’t cope emotionally with being with anyone as a casual hookup, it is still part of how I see myself, as someone who, for whatever reason, is not currently seeking sex and struggles being in a wider (Western) culture that permits and, to some extent, expects casual sex as well as in an (Orthodox Jewish) culture that promotes and expects early marriage.
I’m glad I don’t get sucked into outwardly expressing anger about my loneliness or anything else. I do sometimes fume inside my head about things (mostly antisemitism these days) and in the past I’ve drifted into angry suicidal thoughts (hoping to make people feel guilty for my death), but mostly I turn my anger inward as depression and low self-esteem, which isn’t any healthier but at least isn’t hurting anyone else (incels have been known to murder women). But I can see that these men have a warped view of sex and relationships as being about taking rather than giving and, as I said, they assume they have a right to sleep with whoever they want.
I desperately want to find someone who I can give to, but with depression and autism I can only give in certain ways. I certainly wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around me, either as a friend or as a partner. I know I’m a lot to take, with all my issues. I just worry that sooner or later everyone will leave me.
On this note, periodically someone will leave one or more comments on my blog, or even message me through my contact page, saying they like my blog and get a lot out of it. And I feel pleased for a while. And then I stop hearing from them. If they were on my followers list, they disappear from it. I know people stop following blogs all the time, for a whole variety of reasons, but this always leaves me worrying that I said or did something wrong, doubly so since falling out with the friends who didn’t like my blogging. I worry I was too religious or too political or said something offensive without realising it. I’ve had friendships that went like this too. Possibly I’m overthinking this. I just want to connect with people, really, and I worry that there’s something about me that stops that (it possibly starts with ‘a’ and ends with ‘utistic’).
It doesn’t help that I’m a great one for wondering “What if…?” What if I had spoken to the woman I had a crush on (for any given crush)? What if I had gone to yeshiva (rabbinical seminary)? And so on. E. asked me today what I thought my life would be like if I hadn’t become religious. I think I would probably still be depressed, as the depression stems from autism and childhood experiences as much as anything. I could see myself as a militantly anti-religious atheist, funnily enough. I would have a wider dating pool if I didn’t restrict myself just to frum women, but I think I would still struggle to find a partner because of autism and social anxiety. I would probably fit in better in Doctor Who fandom and maybe in academia; my social life at university would have been either slightly better or significantly worse for not having the Jewish Society to go to. And if I was more settled in fandom or academia, peer pressure would probably drag my political beliefs further left. Although I’m not sure it’s sensible to think about this too much, especially as there’s probably an element of chaos theory that makes such changes unpredictable.
The library job that I had a year ago (the one I left because they made the job more people-based and my boss said she didn’t think I could cope with it) is still advertising for my boss’ position. I wonder if I made a mistake leaving that job, if things could have turned out so differently with a different boss. I wonder if I could have done the new version of the job, as other jobs I have been applying for have been similarly people-based. I suppose I’ll never know as they aren’t advertising any assistant librarian jobs and I wouldn’t apply for the senior librarian role.
My main tasks for today were setting up my new phone (mostly done, although the phone number won’t transfer from the old phone until tomorrow or possibly Tuesday) and reading for CBT. The latter was largely about safety behaviours and saying that they can be counter-productive. I agree with that, but I feel that some safety behaviours are necessary, particularly for my autism. If I avoid going to parties because I’m socially anxious I can see that that would be potentially negative and counter-productive, but what if I avoid them because they make me feel uncomfortable because of sensory overload? I have the same mixture of social anxiety and autism around Simchat Torah celebrations (which happens more frequently than my getting invited to parties).
CBT and phone took much longer than expected, so I didn’t get much else done other than going for a walk. I was prepared to cook dinner, but apparently we’re ordering takeaway pizza. I need to get away from screens for a bit, though, so I’m posting this now.