I was very depressed today. I didn’t want to procrastinate by idle internet browsing (my usual procrastination technique), so I forced myself off the computer, but instead laid on my bed and dozed for an hour and a half instead. Not good. (Also, I’m having weird dreams lately.)
The thing I was really avoiding was making a dentist appointment. I don’t even have an issue with going to the dentist (except for my medication side-effect tremor, which can be uncomfortable), it was actually talking to the receptionist that was hard, not least because I was conscious that I was supposed to see the dentist a few months ago, but forgot to make an appointment and was vaguely worried that they would say something (they didn’t).
I also applied for a mock interview from a Jewish charity that helps people into work, as I feel that I have not been interviewing confidently lately when I have gone for job interviews. The thought of being critiqued is anxiety-provoking, but I have to go through with it.
I didn’t get the job I was interviewed for last week. Maybe it is for the best; it was at a children’s charity and I would have been working a lot on material about bullying and child abuse that I would probably have found upsetting to work on all day long.
I applied for another job which has the right hours (three days a week, not Fridays), but isn’t really like anything I’ve done before, despite being an assistant librarian job. Library jobs can be more varied than people think; this one is about manning the enquiry desk and collating reports on enquiries. This sounds like it would involve a lot of scary social interactions, but I’m going for it anyway.
I had a bad day in terms of fitting in to my shul (synagogue) community. I was wearing a new red polo shirt, but before I went to shul I was worried that some frum (religious) people won’t wear red, for reasons I’ve never really understood. I wasn’t sure if this applied to men or just to women (see here). I would wear it generally, but I was worried of advertising my “heterodoxy” (such as it is) or offending people, so I changed before shul.
Then in shul I found myself wondering at the way I hide myself from the community. I hide the way that I am have potentially heterodox views, but I also hide things in the other direction (so to speak): I don’t own up to being able to lead services and having done that a lot before moving to this area, or to being able to write divrei Torah (although I’m not sure whether I could do it to the standard they would want), or to having some degree of Hebrew fluency (I’m not really fluent, but more so than most people even within Orthodoxy). This came about because I was struggling with mixed feelings about whether I would be asked to lead the service or whether I should volunteer. I’ve only been asked once in this shul (I was nervous and turned it down) which I’m sure is because they don’t know that I can do it. The fact that I turned it down was probably taken as confirmation that I can’t do it. As I’m thinking about self-esteem and pushing myself out of my comfort zone for CBT, it is something to think about.
Despite the procrastination and depression, I had a reasonable day, achievement-wise. I applied for a job, finished redrafting and formatting another chapter of my Doctor Who book (pruning a thousand words along the way, which is good, but it took more than two hours rather than the one I was expecting/hoping for) and went to shul (synagogue). Even so, when I was walking home from shul feeling reasonably good, I suddenly found myself thinking that I don’t want to be alive. Not that I was suicidal, but just that I don’t feel that there is anything for me here. It is good to be making progress with my Doctor Who book, though. Depending on whether I think the chapter on the most recent episodes needs fleshing out after another viewing, I could potentially be finished and looking for a publisher by the end of the summer.