I managed to get up at 10.00am on a day when I didn’t have an interview and managed to avoid going back to bed after breakfast, which is a kind of progress. I spent a couple of hours writing my presentation for my job interview on Wednesday. I went for a walk for forty minutes and wrote a pitch for my Doctor Who book and emailed it to a writer friend for feedback, as I’m worried I’m not writing effective pitches. I also emailed about starting volunteering next week.
Mostly I’ve been feeling good today. I did have lower mood and some anxiety when walking, which I think was triggered by having my daily CBT “worry time” then. Otherwise, I’m still feeling that I won’t get a job, get published, get married etc., but have a sense of stoic indifference, feeling that I’m doing all I can for these things at the moment and it’s pointless to worry any more.
My mood did sink after dinner. I’m not sure why. I ate with my parents, so maybe it was the ‘peopling.’ Maybe I really can’t cope with being around people much, even my family (which is not good news for trying to get married). Or maybe I was just exhausted from the day. Which is also not so good, if three or four hours of activity leaves me burnt out. Because of this drop in mood, I only managed about half an hour of Torah study when I had hoped to do more.
My real worry is that this feeling of OKness won’t last. I mean, if it didn’t last a whole day, how will it last over weeks? I’ve had periods of remission before and eventually the depression comes back. At the moment I almost wish I was a little more anxious and depressed, as it would give me more to work with in CBT. I feel I need the practice in challenging my negative thoughts and would like to do that while I’m still seeing a CBT therapist who can guide me rather than when I’m left to function on my own again.
I had another anxiety dream last night, but with more obvious sources of anxiety: sitting in shiur (religious class) worrying that I would have to admit to watching TV, and watching science fiction at that; plus also something about a religious OCD trigger that made me wake up with OCD anxiety. Fortunately, I can keep my religious OCD under control most of the time nowadays, which is progress, so it didn’t bother me for long on waking.