I went to my new volunteering thing. I had an induction and got shown how to do some things there, although there is still a lot that I have yet to be trained with. It was very busy and noisy. I couldn’t work out if it was objectively louder than when I first went there or if I was just bothered by it more today. The noise means it may not be the right place for me, but I can only find out by trying it a few times. I thought my library skills might be useful here, although I’m not sure that they will, and we have family connections to the charity involved, but these may not be the strongest reasons for going, especially if the environment isn’t right for me.
On the way home I fulfilled my CBT challenge of talking to a shop assistant, asking if he had a busy morning while I was paying. He didn’t seem to think I was weird, but I’m not sure that I could do such things frequently.
***
I had a double rejection today, a rejection from a job I don’t even remember applying for and a rejection for my Doctor Who book from a second publisher. I’m not sure what to do about that. The fact that the latest Doctor Who Magazine (which arrived today) has some features that tread similar ground to my book might show that I have little that is new, but it might also suggest that there is an audience of new fans who are unaware of previous interpretations of the programme’s history or how the new series fits in with them.
I am not sure where my skills and interests should really be pointing me at the moment. I don’t qualify for disability benefits and I have too much money saved to qualify for unemployment benefits, but I’m struggling to find work that I can actually do. However, the nebulous and changeable nature of both autism and depression make it hard to explain to people why I can’t do things, either to formulate an alternative job search strategy or to apply for benefits.
***
I wasn’t really sure what to do this afternoon. My mood has been up and down over the day, but mostly OK. I felt drained by this morning, and there aren’t any jobs to apply for, except for a graduate trainee post that is really not intended for someone like me, but for someone who has just finished their librarianship MA or even is about to do it. I managed an hour of Torah study (very good) and worked on my novel for another hour. Although I’m still at the planning stage, it’s an incredible feeling, to see a world and characters come together that didn’t exist before I thought about them even if much of this book is drawn from my own experiences. It’s scary to think that I’m going to have to revisit some very dark times of my life before this is done, but it is good to think that I might be able to get something positive out of them. I also went for a run for twenty-five minutes, managing to keep running most of the time (I think I’m pacing myself better) and without getting a headache. So fairly positive, all in all.
***
I watched the second episode of The Vietnam War earlier. It’s very interesting, but also hugely depressing and I’m not sure if I should really be watching it. Hmm.
Vision of the Night 
Well done with the CBT challenge and Torah study!
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Thanks!
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I’m very glad that you have some things to celebrate today!
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Thank you, so am I.
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A well-balanced day! I’m quite impressed with how motivated you are for suffering so much with depression. You are very self-disciplined. Nice job with the Torah study! Stupid question, but how do you personally study Torah?
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Thanks!
Not a stupid question at all! I try to go to a couple of shiurim (religious classes) a week, mostly on the weekly Torah reading and the Talmud, but mostly I study privately. I try to study a mixture of different types of Torah study.
I read Tanakh (Hebrew Bible), I try to read in the original, but I need a translation and a dictionary for difficult words and to check my grammar (my Hebrew vocabulary is quite good, but my grammar is lousy). I use some Bible commentaries, whether secondary sources like the Artscroll (which is very traditional) or the Koren Maggid Studies in Tanakh series (which is more modern) or sometimes looking stuff up in the Medieval commentaries of Rashi or Ramban (I should do that more often, really).
I try to study a page of Talmud a week. I try to read in the original, but I’m very dependent on the translation here, as I don’t really read Aramaic (which is what the Talmud is mostly written in), so it’s as much about learning to read it as learning the content. I also try to study some Mishnah, although I’ve drifted away from that. I do that more when I’m working, as I have a pocket-sized edition that is good to take to read on my commute.
I do also try to study some more philosophical and inspirational material. I’m currently reading The Spiritual Revolution of Rav Kook which is an anthology of writings from the first Chief Rabbi of pre-state Israel and one of the leading Jewish thinkers of the last century. There’s a lot there about believing in oneself and the essential goodness of the soul which has been useful to read lately.
I hope that answers your question. Feel free to ask if you want more detail.
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