Not much to say today. I’m feeling completely burnt out, exhausted and depressed today. If this is from one Shabbat (Sabbath), I shudder to think what sort of state I’ll be in after a month of Yom Tovim (festivals). It didn’t help that I couldn’t sleep again last night.
Today I feel too depressed and exhausted to do anything. I wrote a couple of emails and forced myself to go for a forty minute walk, listening to a fifteen minute drasha (sermon) from Rabbi Lord Sacks (about failure and forgiveness) for some of it. That’s about it. No job applications, no novel, no jogging. No donations to the biannual charity appeals. (Jewish charity appeals come out for Pesach (Passover) and Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year). I have my favourite charities I like to give to, but as my income for the last six months is less than £100, it is doubtful how much I can give this time, which saddens me) No shana tova (happy new year) emails to friends I haven’t been in touch with for months either. All stuff to do this week, before the Yom Tovim kick off next Sunday evening. Stuff I just don’t have the energy, concentration and mind-power to do at the moment.
Eventually I crashed out and just watched Doctor Who for a bit (the animated The Power of the Daleks). After a while, something made me want to read more articles about abuse on Neshamas.com as research for my novel. That is a strange thing to do when depressed, I admit. I suppose it’s the completist side of me. Sometimes when I’m very depressed I get motivated to finish a long task just to get it out of the way. That was what happened here: I finished reading the articles I wanted on Neshamas. I do intended to do some reading in non-fiction books as well. It was strangely energising; I feel that, more than just having a story to write, writing about mental illness and abuse in the frum community is something worth doing for the people who can’t tell their own stories (for whatever reason). I hope that isn’t the wrong thing to say. I don’t mean to “appropriate” other people’s stories, just to share what I have felt myself or seen in other people.
For a moment I was energised, but then I crashed again. I’m trying not to think too much about the book, so I don’t convince myself I can’t write it. I will probably spend the evening watching the rest of that Doctor Who story because I don’t feel up to doing anything else.