Today has been a “brain stuffed with cotton wool day,” my term for days when the depression just makes me feel sluggish and unable to think. This happens sometimes: I get better for a bit, in terms of mood, and then after a number of days or weeks or even months, I crash back into depression again. Then I blame myself and feel I’ve let my family, friends and therapist down. But I always end up back in depression eventually.
I had another job rejection today. I don’t really expect to get anything any more and I’m a bit scared of what would happen if I did. After my experiences over the last year or two, I struggle to believe I could do any job well. I applied for two jobs today, one directly (it was just a case of sending my CV) and the other by contacting an agency that is supposed to be looking for work for me and asking why they hadn’t put me forward for this job. The job is just over a two month contract (it’s sick leave cover) and has a lot of very specific criteria for such a short-term job (some of which were revealed to the agency but not clear from the job description online). The problem for me (aside from getting the job) is the amount of time I would need to take off in the next two months for Yom Tov (Jewish festivals) and leaving early on Fridays and before Yom Tov. The other job-related thing I did today was emailing my line manager from my job earlier this year to see if there were any vacancies there, but no luck.
I tried to spend a bit of time on my novel, revising the plan, but it was too painful to work while feeling this depressed and I had to stop quite quickly. I’ve cut the first few chapters completely and am trying to make another character into a bigger character and making him another narrator in addition to the two narrators I already have (changing narrative voice in different chapters). But this was taking a lot more energy than I had. It will make the book much less autobiographical more of an independent work of fiction, which is probably for the best. I spent nearly £15 on research books on domestic abuse for the novel, which will be depressing reading, but necessary.
I didn’t even try to go for a walk because of the weather (rain) and feeling depressed and drained. A run was completely out of the question. I managed ten minutes of very basic Torah study and that was all. I did polish some of the silver for my parents, but I managed to get silver polish down my trousers.
I finally spoke to my parents about the group WhatsApp message I got inviting me (and a load of other people) to the vort (engagement party) of the son of someone I know from shul (synagogue) and shiur (religious class). To my relief, they don’t agree with mass invites either and felt there was no moral obligation to force myself to go to the party or to give a present. I don’t know why this (group invitations) is common in frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) circles.
I’ve been invited out for dinner on Friday at the shul friend I went to a couple of weeks ago. Another shul friend and his wife will be there too. I decided to go, as these are my only real shul friends, but I’m nervous that it will exhaust me before the Yom Tov (Jewish festival) season starts properly on Sunday evening. I’m worried that I’m still recovering from dinner at the rabbi’s on Friday, although my parents are sceptical that that’s the reason. It’s another time when non-disabled people don’t necessarily understand the “spoon debt” loss of energy involved.
I watched The Peanuts Movie with my Dad while I was polishing the silver. He enjoyed it, but I felt it wasn’t that funny and I wasn’t sure they should have given it such a big happy ending, although I appreciate that adapting a comic strip that is significantly about failure and loneliness for the big screen is going to be problematic. There’s the problem of audience (that the comic was aimed primarily at an older audience even though children read it, while the film is going to end up being seen primarily by children), but the bigger problem is that in print, Charlie Brown can suffer all kinds of things because we know he’ll be back again tomorrow, but on the screen, that last impression of failure would seem more final. This being the case, I can see why they wanted to give it a happy ending, but I didn’t think it really worked. Or maybe I’m just worried that secretly people think I’m a good person, which would spoil my self-image of being a wishy-washy failure.