Today felt like a waste, although this may have just been my negative self-perception. I did a few things. I helped Dad with the sukkah, the temporary booth/dwelling Jews eat in (and sleep in, in warmer climes) for a week during the festival of Sukkot (starting next week). I tried to understand the Department of Work and Pensions’ byzantine and poorly-explained rules about employment benefits and printed off the twenty-three page long application form for New Style Employment and Support Allowance. (Why is complaining about bureaucracy considered a conservative thing when it’s a major gatekeeper preventing the low-skilled from accessing state services? It’s almost as if middle class progressives want to monopolise the benefits they can access for themselves…) I procrastinated more about trying to work as a teaching assistant without coming to a conclusion. I’m still terrified at the prospect of doing that, but don’t know what my other options are.
I went jogging for the first time nearly three weeks. The run was average, but at least I burnt off some frustration or even aggression about not fitting in religiously/politically/culturally. Even if it did come back later… I had a bit of a headache a couple of hours after jogging, which was probably from exercise again, but at least it wasn’t a bad migraine. It is frustrating getting exercise headaches when I’m already fighting against depression in my battle to get back into shape.
I worked on my novel for half an hour. I didn’t write a huge amount and most of what I did write was expanding paragraphs I wrote previously rather than pushing on ahead, but it was good to work on it at all and I’ve basically written off this entire month (and a bit) for novel writing. I know there is too much going on with Jewish festivals and then I’m going away for my cousin’s bar mitzvah. Hopefully in November I will be able to begin writing in earnest. I also managed about half an hour of Torah study, which was less than I intended, but quite good. I thought this article was really interesting, although I suspect it is fairly meaningless to people who haven’t had a lot of exposure to frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) books or lectures on Yom Kippur. It’s weird and somewhat frightening how things “everyone knows” so often turn out to be unsourced or based on misunderstandings of earlier sources.
Also for my novel, I bought a couple of books on abusive relationships for research. This was probably extravagant as I should go to the library for research, but I thought it might be useful to have them on hand while writing. I should definitely go to the library before buying any further research materials, though. When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I tended to buy one or two basic text books before the start of term as background reading and to have on hand whenever I wanted them, and then borrow the other books from the libraries as necessary, which is similar to what I’m doing here. I suppose I am vaguely worried of being seen in public with books on abusive relationships…
I just posted this in response to StoicWannabe’s comment on my last post:
I don’t know what a realistic definition of success for me is. I’ve never seen money or status as success, but I do see not being dependent on my parents as success. I see a lot of religious observances as success, but I know I can’t meet them, in terms of mitzvot like Torah study, communal prayer, children etc., but also social things like fitting in to the community and having frum friends. I see connection with people as success, but somehow I get distracted from that or forget about it when I need to remember it, or else I don’t believe that I’ve achieved so many connections or I focus on the people I’ve lost touch with or who got angry with me. I do have a sense of wanting to do something that justifies my life and (although I’m somewhat ashamed to admit it) somehow gets back at everyone who bullied me as a child (even though I’m sure they’ve all forgotten me by now – I don’t even remember most of them clearly).
It is hard to think of a definition of success that is both attainable and meaningful in my current condition.
My laptop is getting old. The casing is broken. Its speed is still reasonable, but it develops other quirks. The Wifi sometimes stops working, which seems to be the computer rather than the router, but it isn’t easy to tell; it’s better than it was a couple of months ago, when it was dropping all the time, but still isn’t perfect. In the last few days it has developed a new quirk: suddenly turning on the ‘tap to click’ function on the mouse touchpad. I hate this function, as I’m always accidentally clicking on stuff I don’t want to click on when it’s on, so this is really irritating for me. I know how to turn it off again, but it’s frustrating to keep having to do it. This happened to me once before, but I can’t remember how I solved the problem; possibly by reinstalling the touchpad, which I really don’t want to do (I hate having to do things like that, as I always worry about deleting software permanently). Alternatively, I could use a physical mouse, but I don’t really want to as I don’t have much room on my desk.
Lately I seem to be finding places where I think I can fit in and open up to people, in real life or online, but then either discover that I don’t fit in as well as I thought or they aren’t as safe as I thought. It’s happened with my depression group (I found it harder to connect with people and then they moved to another site that isn’t as easy for me to get to), autism group (there seemed to be different people each time and I found it hard to connect again), autism WhatsApp group (I’m just not connecting with them at all), various Jewish websites and blogs and a politics site. I suppose that’s also what happened with my shul (synagogue), only in slow motion. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever really connect with anyone, make friends or find a community. Am I too picky in my needs? Do I want everyone to be like me to be my friend? That’s unlikely, given that the friends I do have are usually quite unlike me. Some of the problem is a general problem of the internet, and the way that few people who use it seem to be able to disagree in a civil way, which always makes me uncomfortable.
I am glad that there are a few people here who comment a lot. I find that helpful. I’ve had blogs where no one at all was commenting, so it’s good to get some response. Thanks for reading/commenting.