I’ll try to blog quickly, as it’s late, I haven’t eaten and I still have lots of stuff to do tonight.

I got up early this morning, but I still didn’t get to shul (synagogue).  I woke up around 8.00am, but must have drifted in and out of consciousness as suddenly it was 9.30.  I got up and ate some breakfast, but I was going slowly because I was tired and it was soon gone 10.00 and I was still in pyjamas.  I realised that by the time I got dressed and walked to shul the service would almost certainly be nearly finished (if there’s a Shabbat (Sabbath) between Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) and Sukkot (Tabernacles), it’s a short service as the leining (Torah reading) is really short and everyone’s exhausted from all the festivals).  So, I stayed at home.  Unfortunately I fell asleep again for fifty minutes or so, and again after lunch.  Not good.  I hope I can sleep tonight.  I did do some Torah study in the afternoon though as well as going to Talmud shiur (class).

I did go back to shul in the afternoon, although there was a mix up over whether there was a seudah (the third Sabbath meal, between the Afternoon and Evening Services), so I ended up going home for a bit.  I stayed behind after Ma’ariv (Evening Service) to help put up the shul sukkah, the portable shack we eat in over the festival of Sukkot (starts tomorrow night).  I was glad to show my face as part of the community, but I fear I didn’t actually do very much.  I’m not tall or strong, I can’t tie knots and I couldn’t remember how the sukkah fitted together, so that removed me from most of the useful jobs.  Also, although I can be somewhat practical by myself, in a group, as I mentioned the other day, I end up overwhelmed by social anxiety worrying what everyone wants me to do and also struggling with autistic poor executive function and not knowing what would be useful.  I end up just getting in the way (apparently a common autistic trait).  I ended up holding the light and pointing it at people who were doing real work so they could see what they were doing, as I did last year.  Plus, I couldn’t tell if people were angry with me and I didn’t get all the jokes everyone was making, so I feel very autistic right now.

It rained while we were putting up the sukkah, which was not great.  This festival should really be observed in Israel and not Britain.  It looks set to be a wet Sukkot (hence the post title – Sukkos is the Ashkenazi (North European) pronunciation of the Modern Hebrew Sukkot).  Hopefully we will be able to eat in the sukkah a bit over the chag (festival).

On Friday night one of my friends in shul asked if I was OK as he didn’t think he saw me in shul on Yom Kippur.  I didn’t really want to get into stuff in front of loads of people, so I said I have some health issues and only made it for some of the day, but I’m thinking it might be a good idea to text him to let him know a bit more about my issues as he is one of my closest friends in shul.  I never really know how much to tell people about my issues.  Sometimes I feel it would be helpful if more people knew, but then I had a therapist who felt I hide behind my diagnoses sometimes.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to post tomorrow as things will be quite hectic getting ready for Yom Tov and then I’ll be offline until Tuesday evening.

5 thoughts on ““I’m dreaming of a dry Sukkos”

  1. If you were hiding behind your diagnosis, I would think that would take the form of making excuses to yourself. I’m not sure how telling your friend from shul could be a form of hiding.

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    1. I can’t remember in detail as it was some time ago, but I think it was about using my illness to avoid engaging with people and making excuses to them. I guess that’s not really what I’m doing here.

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  2. It’s very inspiring how much you are involved in your religious community. If I even said that right… I know it must be hard to be apart of something like that with so many things you have to deal with. I can only hope to be involved in something one day… I hope you are having a good night and that you don’t wake up depressed tomorrow. I’ve been depressed the past few days. I’ve forgot what it feels like. I feel so bad that you have to live with this so much.

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