I went to bed late last night as I was downloading holiday photos and listening to a Doctor Who audiobook (hopefully I will post some of the photos later in the week).  That was probably a mistake – both going to bed late and trying to multitask the photos and the audiobooks, as I’m really not good enough at multitasking to do that (autism again).  Then I got really hungry late and night and needed to eat before going to bed.  I then slept until after midday and was still in my pyjamas at 2.00pm.  I spent much of the day too drained and too depressed to do anything.  I still have confused feelings about E.  I guess it’s good in a way that we both feel confused about what we should do.  Better than one wanting a relationship and one not wanting one, at any rate.  But I do wish it was easier to work out what to do.

I have also been feeling pessimistic about finding work and sorting my life out.  Wading through the job adverts that came in while I was away, there are library jobs available.  Granted a lot are in school libraries and law libraries, not environments where I think I will thrive, but they are there, and there are some higher education jobs too, including another one from a college that keeps advertising lots of different library jobs; not sure what’s going on there.  I’ve applied for a couple of jobs there already and even got one interview, but I don’t think the institutional culture was right for me.  I did think of applying for this one, but the closing date was today (yesterday now) and I was in no fit state to be writing CVs and applications today.  There were a couple of jobs I wasn’t hugely excited by, but was thinking of applying for, but the commute was really too far.

I feel that I need more enthusiasm about working in general and librarianship in particular.  I’m not sure if it’s depression, prolonged unemployment or feeling that I’m in the wrong career that has caused this lack of enthusiasm, but I feel I really need to change it.  A couple of people at shul ask me regularly if I’ve found work; they are trying to be supportive and take an interest in my life, but it just makes me feel useless.  I feel like I must be self-sabotaging in some way, given my qualifications, but part of me knows it’s my illnesses (counting autism and low self-esteem as illnesses for convenience alongside depression and social anxiety) that are sabotaging my job hunt, my illnesses that are stopping me applying, or at least applying enthusiastically, for full-time work or work in noisy or unfamiliar environments when that is most of what is available.

It doesn’t help that so many job adverts are vague, not mentioning the job description, qualities wanted or closing date.  Some agency adverts don’t mention the company or even much about the sector!

I deleted some emails while I was away, but I still came back to a lot.  I deleted some and have been working through others.  Job adverts tend to be fairly repetitive – if a job is available, it will be listed on every email from that recruitment agency for weeks, so all other than the most recent can go straight in the deleted folder.  I have a thing about trying to keep my email inbox as empty as possible.  I don’t mind storing old emails in other folders, but I don’t like them sitting in my inbox unless they are, in some way, current.

I spent time chasing up the latest issue of the Jewish Review of Books, which hasn’t arrived after nearly two months.  Then I lost more time with some payments that I didn’t remember making on my bank account debit card, relatively small payments, but mysterious.  I phoned the bank fraud number and was put on hold for a while.  The person I spoke to said that the small amounts taken were extremely unlikely to be fraudulent, as fraudsters usually try to clear out your account quickly and run, so the small, but unremembered, payments were likely to be legitimate payments to an organisation that has two names or bank accounts, in this case one for “London School of Jewish Studies” and one for “ISJS”.  I’m not entirely sure why the second account is for “ISJS” rather than “LSJS” (unless someone put on caps lock but then held down the shift key too and ended up with a low case ‘l’), but once he said that, I did remember paying £58 to them a few weeks ago, right before my holiday.  I felt somewhat sheepish.  The sad thing is, as my Mum inadvertently reminded me, I used to be really good at keeping track of my money, but in the last year or two I’ve rather lost the knack or (more likely) feel too depressed and lacking in concentration and cognitive ability to do it.

I did eventually go for a run, which was my biggest accomplishment of the day (second biggest was fifteen minutes of Torah study).  It was late and I had to change my route after seeing a group of teenage boys hanging out on a street corner engaging in horseplay (I was probably being paranoid, but they just screamed ‘gang’ to me), but the run was better than I expected considering how late and dark it was and how depressed I was feeling, even if my pace was poor compared with other runs this year.

I have a lot to do in the coming weeks, including more job hunting; going to various support groups and conferences about job hunting and changing careers; going to a short course of shiurim (religious classes) (the LSJS payment); really getting to work on my novel; applying for proof-reading work; and applying for benefits as well as daily and weekly things like Torah study; exercising; writing a weekly devar Torah (Torah thought) and so on.  I also have a seminar thing to go to on preparing for an autism assessment and would like to make it to another depression group session before the end of the calendar year.  I should also either send my Doctor Who book manuscript to more publishers or bite the bullet and look into self-publishing.  It all seems very daunting and I don’t quite know where to start.  Tomorrow (today now) I have another meeting with the charity that helps people with mental health issues into work, which is as good a start as any, plus I have some other chores to do on the way home.

4 thoughts on “I Want to Break Free

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s