I felt very depressed again today. I actually managed quite a bit considering I felt unable to do anything at all, but it still doesn’t seem enough. I feel like I’m bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. I applied for a job (fortunately only requiring me to send my existing CV and basic covering letter, no online forms that take hours), I cooked dinner (really easy kedgeree) and went to my new shiur (religious class). I also unfollowed the few Twitter accounts I was following, but not looking at, in order to change it to a purely work/networking-based account.
The shiur was interesting, but I knew quite a lot of material already. This is the kind of thing that fuels my wistful feeling that, if my life had gone differently, I could have been giving shiurim rather than listening to them. As usual at the LSJS, pretty much everyone there was about twenty years older than me or more. Also as usual, lots of the people seemed to know each other already (and not because I missed the class last week) and I didn’t know anyone. I’d forgotten that this teacher gets people to read things out from the handouts. I had to read something, which I mostly managed without shaking, but I did get very anxious about it. I feel like I go to the LSJS for the Torah because I can’t connect to the people and I go to my Thursday shiur for the social side (not that I say much) because the Torah is sometimes uncomfortably too Haredi for me (mind you, some of what was said tonight was potentially too modern for me, so…). The Thursday shiur is men only, so I won’t meet any women my age at either.
I finally remembered to buy new batteries for the bathroom scales and I even remembered to weigh myself (I’m terrible at remembering to do that). I’ve put on more weight. I’m quite overweight now, although I don’t really look it. I know that this is almost certainly due to medication; all three of the psych meds I’m on can cause significant weight gain, and my weight only really started ballooning when I was put on clomipramine a few years ago; unfortunately, clomipramine is one of very few anti-depressants to actually do anything to my mood, so coming off it isn’t really an issue (I don’t think I would have been working as much as I have in the last few years without it).
I don’t eat much junk and I try to nosh on fruit and veg during the day, although I tend to eat quite a lot at dinner (not helped by Jewish cultural standards whereby I’m assumed to need staggering amounts of food because I’m male and young-ish and food is a primary means of expressing affection). I probably eat too many nuts and raisins too. I know I eat too much at Thursday shiur and kiddush and seudah at shul (when I go), which may be boredom and social anxiety as much as anything. I’m not sure how to deal with that. I do eat quite a lot of junk on Shabbat (the Sabbath) and Yom Tov (festivals); I used to be able to get away with that by eating more healthily on other days, but I don’t think I can any more. I have been trying to cut down the Shabbat and shiur junk and there aren’t any festivals for a while now (although there will be the doughnutfest of Chanukah in late December), but my life is often so miserable that if I denied myself my single weekday small piece of nosh, my life would feel noticeably worse and I’m not sure I actually have the willpower to do that at the moment. I am also too lazy (or pressed for time/energy) to eat salads at lunchtime rather than sandwiches or toast.