I mentioned recently seeing that someone who I had dated, and who dropped me really quickly when she discovered I had mental health issues, had got married. I saw her today (I’m guessing she still lives round here as I see her a lot) and she was wearing one of the “Baby on board” badges Transport for London give to pregnant women so that they get a seat on trains and buses. This didn’t upset me the way it might have done a while back, but I still feel a bit of, “Here’s what you could have won!”
Similarly, my sister is very artistic and we have a number of paintings by her on our walls downstairs. Dad put another one up today. I like the paintings, and it’s nice that my parents have unique art and can sheppe naches (I have no idea how to translate “sheppe naches.” It refers to reflected glory, usually from one’s children or grandchildren). All the same, there’s a bit of a feeling of, “Gosh, I better get to work on my novel and get it published so that my sister doesn’t completely outshine me!”
I did quite a bit of work on the job proposal I’m writing in the wake of Monday’s meeting. I’ve written six hundred words outlining various possible courses of action; I want to add to it so that I can suggest which course I would recommend they follow as well as saying how much I would charge if they want me to do it. This is hard for me, as I’m indecisive, plus I also don’t feel I know the library well enough to suggest anything, but I will try to sound decisive. I will also try to sound like I know what I’m doing. Chaconia said the other day that I sell my skills short and that’s probably true; I assume if I can do something, then anyone can do it, which is not the case. However, I do wish I had a better idea of how quickly a trained librarian should be able to classify, catalogue and subject index. I tend to take twenty or thirty minutes per non-fiction book (less for fiction, as the content is usually clearer to classify and subject index). My first line manager was very happy with this speed, but the one in further education felt I was slow and this was one of the points she raised against me.
I did also write a six hundred word devar Torah (Torah thought) for this week which I’m quite pleased with. Other than that I didn’t do much today, just a quick shopping trip/walk to get my sister and brother-in-law a wedding anniversary card. I want to exercise, work on my novel, job hunt, do various chores at home, daven (pray) and study Torah as well as doing work things, but I’m struggling so much of the time with low mood and lack of energy. Which reminds me that I’m meaning to buy a light box for SAD. I’ve always been sceptical of these, but there’s no denying my depression gets noticeably worse in the winter (being destabilised by a month of Jewish festivals in early autumn doesn’t help) and I’m desperate enough to try anything.
I would like to write more, but it’s late and I’m tired, plus I have a CV writing workshop tomorrow that I need to get ready for and go to bed early-ish for, so good night.