My psychiatrist phoned at midday. I was still in bed, although I was awake, just feeling tired and depressed. I think she didn’t really want to see me again. I can understand that, as I don’t think there is much a psychiatrist can do for me, I just get scared to go out of the system completely because it’s so hard to get back into it again if/when I get worse. She asked if I wanted to change my medication and I don’t, but maybe I should if I feel this bad. Even though I am by no means “better,” my mood is somewhat better on clomipramine than off it, so I’m wary of changing despite the weight gain (which the psychiatrist didn’t believe was from clomipramine even though it started exactly then). We spoke about exercise; I said I didn’t have an exercise routine, but she felt if I was walking for twenty minutes every other day that is an exercise routine, which is good I suppose, although I would still like to run more often. She wanted me to go on social media to make friends, but I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea (see below for why this may in fact be a really bad idea). I didn’t mention that I have friends through my blog and I’m not sure why. I’m always reluctant to mention my blog to people. I guess with most people I’m scared they might ask for the address, but the psychiatrist is hardly likely to do that. The bottom line is that I have a short appointment booked in for January, which I guess is what I wanted, but I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. Maybe I ought to think about medication change, but I’ve been through most types of antidepressants.
A letter turned up for me to day. A proper one, not junk mail. It turned out to be from the Maudsley Hospital, who do autism assessments, to tell me that I have not got funding for my autism assessment. The way the NHS works is the GP refers you to the hospital, in this case the Maudsley, and then one hand of the NHS has to approve payment for the other hand and only then do you officially go on the waiting list for treatment. My Mum phoned months ago and was told this was all approved and I was on the waiting list; now, suddenly, it seems I am not and I won’t be able to get assessed without paying crazy money to be seen privately.
My Mum tried phoning the Maudsley to find out what was going on, but the guy she spoke to who answered the number on the letter was not helpful and pretty much reduced her to tears with his lack of sympathy and unhelpfulness, as well as his refusal to tell her his name or his supervisor’s name so that we could say what had happened to anyone further up in the organisation. She’s now emailed someone else from the Maudsley whose name and contact details she had from when she previously contacted them (when they said my funding was approved and I was on the waiting list) so we’ll have to wait and see what happens there. We’ve also contacted Mencap, the charity that did my informal autism screening last year and which originally recommended to the GP that I be referred for full assessment. They have said they will try to help and have asked to see the letters and emails that we already have.
Remember kids, WE ♥ THE NHS!!!!! Without the NHS, Donald Trump would personally sell the organs of every sick person in Britain!!!!!
That did bring my mood down. My main task for the day was to go to buy new trainers, which I did. Other than that, I made the dental appointment that I wanted to make yesterday and spent an hour or more working on my devar Torah (Torah thought) for this week. I’m actually getting a lot out of writing these divrei Torah, although I worry if I will be able to keep up with it long-term, especially once we hit the second half of Shemot (Exodus) and Vayikra (Leviticus) and the Torah readings become mostly legal and often focused on rituals that we don’t even do any more.
I did manage to go for a fairly late jog, which was reasonable given that it was late and my tracksuit trouser cord would not stay tied, so I had to keep stopping to retie it to prevent a “wardrobe malfunction” (modesty was preserved, rest assured). Other than that I didn’t achieve much though.
I’ve had a toothache all day, where my wisdom tooth is coming through. It’s been coming through for years and doesn’t usually hurt. I’m sure this is a psychosomatic response to the autism diagnosis situation.
My wifi problem is getting worse. I seem to hardly ever get wifi in my room now, and it’s even a struggle sitting on the stairs. I even struggle to connect when I turn the laptop on for the first time in the day, which used to be OK. I’m not at all sure why I can pick up wifi from two doors down, but not from this house.
I wasn’t going to post about politics, but apparently I’m “cold and uncaring and have no idea about the problems facing real people”. This was from my autism What’sApp group, which I’ve now left. They didn’t say it directly about me, just about the party I’ve voted for in the past and will vote for tomorrow. I didn’t even get that upset, I’m used to this kind of thing, and it’s why I don’t really talk about who I vote for (for the record: not always the same party. I consider myself a true floating voter, who genuinely tries to think about the issues and vote for the party with the best policies to address them). Some people don’t think that a ‘normal’ person could vote differently to them or that there could be altruistic reasons for supporting something they don’t support. (And that’s without addressing the Labour antisemitism issue.) Given that I have never been to the meet-ups the group organised and given that they send a huge amount of texts without saying anything useful, I left the group. I think Mencap are running some coffee mornings for people on the spectrum, which might be a better place to go to meet other autistic people, especially as there is probably a facilitator there. That would only be possible if I’m not working full-time, or near to it.
I guess this is why I keep quiet about so many things: politics, religion, Doctor Who… Based on my experiences, both growing up (e.g. being bullied) and as an adult (e.g. this), it’s easier just to keep quiet and keep out of it than get people telling me I’m an Evil Tory-Imperialist-Zionist-Oppressor or a racist, patriarchal, homophobic Orthodox Jew or whatever.
There is, I suppose, an argument that I should confront people about these issues instead of just running off, whether it’s this or people in shul (synagogue) telling racist jokes or whatever. I’m conflict averse and find it easier just to run, even if that means I’ll never win the argument or even engage with it. It probably doesn’t help that I’m in a lot of groups where I don’t necessarily have the “right” thoughts about things whether it’s Orthodox Judaism or Doctor Who fandom or public sector workers or the mentally ill/disabled community. The silly thing is that I don’t particularly identify as small-c conservative, and certainly not strongly as capital-C Conservative. I just insist on thinking for myself and having “awkward” thoughts.
I wanted to work on my novel, but I was still tired from running even after dinner and this just finished me off. I didn’t even feel anger, just a sense of ennui and a feeling that most people are going to think badly of me whatever I do and that nothing I can do will achieve very much. So, DVD and bed, I think. An appropriately awful end to an awful day.
(Someone from the WhatsApp group has texted to ask why I left. They always do this. I’m not sure how to respond, or whether to respond. I don’t really want to engage and a text reading simply “Hi, why did you leave” without wondering if it was the conversation that was going on when I left doesn’t really encourage me to do so.)