The big news today is that the Jewish institution is going to phone tomorrow about my working there. I’m guessing they want to negotiate something as they haven’t sent a straightforward yes/no email, although I could be wrong. I asked them not to phone in the morning as I have a workshop then. Since hearing, I’ve been feeling quite anxious, which is probably understandable, but might also stem from not being able to use my SAD light box for long today. I’m also feeling somewhat depressed for the same reason, plus also because I’m wondering if E. and I will ever manage to get our lives sorted out enough to date again, let alone whether we’re right for each other. I guess it’s good to know that she cares about me even if we aren’t technically together.
I had insomnia again, then slept too long and struggled to get up again. I’m not sure where this insomnia has suddenly come from or, perhaps more accurately, why my antidepressants don’t knock me out the way they used to do.
I seem to have lost about 1kg of weight, which is good. I just hope I really have lost it, as my weight can fluctuate. Also, sometimes I don’t remember to weigh myself until after breakfast, which confuses things. Of course, it’s nearly Chanukah, which is a super-fattening festival (potato latkes and doughnuts). I don’t think I can forego the festive doughnuts!
The wifi problem has reached rock bottom. It’s almost impossible for my computer to connect to our router from anywhere except right next to it, even though it can often locate the router of our neighbours two doors down, including when it can’t locate our router. I have no idea how that works. I want someone to look at it, but I suspect I’m going to need a new computer sooner rather than later. My Dad wants to buy a power booster before we call anyone in to look at it. I am ashamed to say that I argued with him about this, as it seemed obvious to me that that was a waste of time and money (why would only my computer have trouble connecting if it was a general wifi problem? And why would it suddenly relatively recently rather than when we moved in four years ago?). Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference between arguing my case and autistic rigid thinking.
I finished the first draft of chapter three of my novel. It’s not great, but it’s a start. I’ve now written over 10,500 for the novel, which is good.
Tonight is the last of this series of Tuesday shiurim and then I need to get up early (about 7.30am) to go to an interview skills workshop, which will hopefully be easier than the last one, although doubtless there will be some scary mock-interview stuff to get through. I spoke up at the shiur almost for the first time. I had answered one or two questions in the past, but only small things. Here I ventured more of an opinion. The shiur was on the Tower of Babel, looking at interpretations through the millennia from the Targumim (Aramaic translations) through the Midrash (ancient rabbinic expansions of the biblical story) to Medieval and modern commentaries. This week we looked at the story modern Jewish religious works, but also in modern literature and art, including a short story by one of my favourite authors, Franz Kafka (The City Coat of Arms). My contribution, after other people had spoken about the despair and futility evoked by the work, was to say that I found it quite funny. I told the story that Kafka claimed to have read some of The Trial to his family consumed with laughter while they sat in stony-faced incomprehension and said I felt a bit the same here. I meant it as a joke, but I worry it might not have been interpreted that way. I did explain that I thought that the humour was the flip-side of the futility; either you laugh at the absurdity of the world or you fall into despair. I didn’t say that I usually fall on the ‘despair’ side, which may be why I can find Kafka funny.
It would be a good thing if I could participate more in shiurim and classes and things, but I’m still held back a lot by social anxiety.