I got the job I was hoping to get! The one at the Jewish institution (although not paid by it – technically I will be paid by a benefactor who owns the library and loans it to the institution). I don’t want to go into details, as it would be hard to anonymise, but I’ve got work two days a week in January, potentially with more work afterwards. I worry I came across as somewhat confused and ill-prepared on the phone (I had not been home long and was making lunch when the phone rang), but hopefully I wasn’t too bad. There are still things to discuss about the second phase of the work (after January); I think I do not entirely agree with the benefactor who owns the library, but as he is employing me he gets the final say. I just hope I can deliver it. I’ve never done something like this before, essentially create and run a whole library by myself. I hope there is actually enough to do, as my brief visit was not long enough to really get a feel for the place and the work. I’m excited, but also very nervous and feeling a bit of an imposter.
The interview workshop today was not great. I think I know a lot of job stuff by this stage, it is just hard to implement it. We did some pair work practising interview questions and I did not cope well, stumbled and made mistakes and then dried up under pressure. Not good. It didn’t help that my pair kept asking questions that an interviewer probably would not ask and which I didn’t want to answer, like explaining the big gap on my CV (from depression) or – well, I was going to say something rude there, but suffice to say he asked a lot of questions that rubbed me up the wrong way. To be fair, he was significantly younger than me and pursuing a vocational career path rather than an academic one, so it was always going to be a struggle to find things in common.
I noticed when I was younger that when I had to do paired or group work at school, I would always get stuck with students who didn’t work and then I would have to do all the work for the group or else nothing would happen. In retrospect, I wonder if the problem is me. That seems to be the common denominator. Perhaps I’m a drag on the team spirit and don’t encourage people to work. I suppose I don’t know what to say and my social anxiety stops me saying anything from fear of saying the wrong thing or encouraging work for fear of seeming swotty. I’m alright on teams where everyone has a clearly defined role and especially where I go off and do my bit and meet up with everyone else afterwards, but it seems I can’t cope with activities where I have to sit with one or two other people and cooperate/talk.
I spoke to Dad’s computer repair man on the phone and he suggested something that might help (USB wifi adapter to replace the one built into my ancient laptop), so hopefully that will help.
After all of the above I felt exhausted. I had to struggle to do some necessary chores and to write a confirmatory email about the job, not helped by the fact that I can only get wifi sitting at the bottom of the stairs. By 7.00pm I was feeling pretty exhausted and ready to crash, so that was about it for the day. I did about ten or fifteen minutes of Torah study earlier and I had twenty minutes tonight when I felt a little less tired and began researching for my novel (domestic abuse, not the most cheery subject), but I was basically on the go for most of the day. I watched a DVD and that was about it. So much for my plans to watch less TV and read more to improve my sleep hygiene; I doubt I can read a prose novel when I feel like this.
I’ve had a lot of anxiety and imposter syndrome feelings this evening, some OCD anxiety and some worries about whether I will cope with the new job and whether my plans are good enough. I should probably get an early night. I’m expecting to crash tomorrow. I have some jobs to do, like collecting my repeat prescription and the wifi adapter and writing my devar Torah (Torah thought) for the week, but I don’t plan on doing job hunting or anything stressful.