I’ve been going to bed earlier the last few nights, but yesterday I went to bed later again. Then I couldn’t sleep, because I forgot to take my medication at dinner time. I remembered before bed, but that didn’t give them enough time to make me sleepy. I didn’t feel like reading, so I watched the second half of For Your Eyes Only, which may not have been the best thing to do (TV in general + TV violence = still not sleepy). Consequently, although my parents tried to wake me up when they went to football today with my (female) cousin, I slept through until gone midday.
When I woke, I was still very tired and somewhat depressed. I’m not quite sure why, as I didn’t do that much yesterday, but it is the middle of winter and that does make me want to hibernate even if my light box helps a bit. I had intended to go for a run after breakfast, but that was before I slept so late (I didn’t want to make lunch very late) and before I knew it would be raining heavily. So, no run today. My weight is the same as it was before Chanukah, which is good inasmuch as eating doughnuts hasn’t piled on the calories, but there are still another four days of doughnut-eating to go.
I did feel better after lunch. I think when the depression makes me sleep a long time, I wake up with very low blood sugar, and I really need breakfast and lunch to feel “normal.” I don’t know why breakfast isn’t enough. It helps a bit, but not completely. Maybe I’m eating the wrong thing (usually Weetabix or porridge)?
The main thing I did during the day (aside from taking the photos below) was more research on domestic abuse for my novel. Although I feel a bit frustrated about pausing writing to research, I feel I’ve made significant progress with that research this week. It turned out that many of my thoughts about abuse were correct (probably because I’ve met a number of abuse survivors of one kind or another in group therapy-type situations), but research has given me new ideas for plot developments as well as reminding me again that my characters have friends and family beyond my three narrators (I tend to forget, somewhat autistically, that my characters have relationships and don’t just exist in their own heads all the time. This is probably because I exist in my own head too much). I hope to finish the research in the next week or so and move back to writing.
I did about forty-five minutes of Torah study. I would have liked to have done more, but my head felt that it would explode if I did. I did a couple of chores too, but that was about it for the day.
There’s an oneg at my shul (synagogue) tomorrow evening. I never know how to translate oneg. Oneg Shabbat means ‘delight of the Sabbath’ which doesn’t get us very far. It’s a kind of party or gathering to celebrate Shabbat with alcohol, junk food, songs, divrei Torah (Torah thoughts) and so on. I’ve been to a few of these, or tried to go. Sometimes I didn’t make it inside, being so overpowered by social anxiety that I just stood outside crying (and then inevitably met people who were going). A couple of times I made it and even enjoyed it a little, but I’m not sure that I enjoyed it enough to really justify the anxiety and feelings of not fitting in that tend to accompany it. Plus this one is being hosted by someone I was at school with, who is now a rabbi with a wife and kids and a house. Lately I’ve been doing quite well at not being jealous of other people whose lives are different/better than mine, but I think this might be pushing my luck.
So, I tell myself not to go to the oneg, but then I feel that I’m avoiding social situations again (which is true), which will just reinforce the social anxiety, and that really I should be going to these things. I tell myself that I want to spend time with my cousin on Shabbat, and that I will be volunteering on Sunday as well as spending time with my family, sister, brother-in-law and cousin on Sunday evening and will struggle to add another social event in, all of which is also true, but none of which makes me feel much better.
I mentioned yesterday feeling dispirited that the miniature models I paint nowadays aren’t as professional-looking as the ones I painted as a teenager and said I would supply photos. Here goes!
These are the Doctor Who models I just painted (TARDIS, thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker), Davros):
I wasn’t too happy with the photograph, so here are the fourth and eleventh Doctors (Tom Baker and Matt Smith), which I painted some months ago:
Here are some Daleks I painted and photographed a while back:
On the other hand, here are some Warhammer dwarfs (Tolkien spelling!) that I painted as a teenager:
Even when the photos are blurred (because I’m not good at taking photos on my phone and because of my tremor), the earlier models (the dwarfs) seem a lot more professional to me than the latter ones (the Doctor Who ones). Admittedly I did cheat slightly in that the most recent models are simply that, the most recent, whereas the dwarfs were some of the best ones of a collection of seventy or so. But I did also include the fourth and eleventh Doctors, which I think are the best of the ones I’ve done recently, plus the Daleks which are very regular and simple in colour scheme, so they are not as difficult to paint as people despite the fine detail needed for the spheres. My tremor is particularly clear on the fine detail, which doesn’t photograph well, especially eyes, which are a real pain to do well. I used to have a technique for doing them with a cocktail stick, but I just can’t get it to work well any more. It doesn’t help that the model of the thirteenth Doctor is not terribly dynamic, probably because of a lack of reference photographs of her compared with earlier Doctors (although the tenth Doctor model, not pictured, is even less dynamic!).