Shabbat (the Sabbath) was not so good. At shul (synagogue) there was circle dancing again during Kabbalat Shabbat (the prayers at the start of the Sabbath). I was in two minds whether to join in and stayed out in the end, but then realised it was just me and the mourners (who aren’t allowed to join in) who stayed out. I felt bad. It’s a no-win situation when this happens as if I stay out, I’m separating myself from the community and I feel weird and useless and worry that everyone is staring at me, but if I join in, I still feel like everyone is staring at me, but I also have to hold hands with people I don’t know well and really don’t want to let into my personal space, plus I sometimes feel like I’m going to fall over when I do circle dancing and drag everyone else down with me (which I guess would look kind of amusing, but would be very embarrassing).
The rest of shul was fine, albeit very noisy, but I left without shaking hands with the rabbi at the end, although he had come up to me and shaken my hand at the start of the service, so I feel that should count for something. This was probably socially anxious avoidance on my part and was going against my CBT ideal.
Dinner with my parents and cousin was fine and I did some Torah study and had a lot of time to read before bed, but then, just as I was falling asleep, something quite traumatic happened, but because it involves other people, I can’t mention it here. Suffice to say that I was woken up and stayed up for some hours with anxiety-induced insomnia. Everything turned out fine after several anxious hours of waiting, but it cast a shadow over the whole day. I probably wouldn’t have made it to shul this morning even if it hadn’t happened, given that I haven’t been in the morning for months, but this was the final straw. So today I have been struggling with mixed emotions. I need time out to process and move on from what happened, but I haven’t had that time yet today.
I went to shiur (religious class) this afternoon, which wasn’t great and stayed in shul for Ma’ariv (evening prayers), but I haven’t really done anything else today. We lit Chanukah lights and I did most of the post-Shabbat tidying up to give my parents a break, but I felt too exhausted and stressed to work on my novel or do the proof-reading I said I would do for a friend or think about my new job. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to do all these things in the next few weeks. I just want to vegetate in front of the TV and try to get my energy together for tomorrow (volunteering and then a busy family last night of Chanukah with parents, sister, BIL and cousin).
I watched A View to a Kill, which is not a very good James Bond film, but did help to relax and de-stress me (although I’m sad that the baddies killed Patrick Macnee). I’m enjoying James Bond a lot more than I thought I would, although I still feel vaguely embarrassed and guilty about liking it. I should probably go to bed soon, as I need to be up early for volunteering tomorrow, although I don’t feel particularly tired.