I woke up feeling really depressed and anxious again.  I think I woke up about 11.00am, but I didn’t get up until after noon.  I am not entirely sure what I was doing in between; I think I must have just been lying there feeling awful.  I just feel a mess really, super-anxious and depressed about my new job, which I feel I’ve already messed up.  I’ve been having lots of anxiety dreams about it.  I worry that I should have gone back for a second look at the library before estimating how long the initial work will take, as it was really a guess.  I didn’t get a good enough look at it initially to tell.  I don’t even know how many books are there.  No one knows.  I need to take a tape measure tomorrow to estimate (the librarian’s rule of thumb is an average of thirty-three books per metre of shelving).

My life just seems a mess.  I wish I had something more interesting to blog about than the inside of my head, but I don’t.  That goes double for my first novel (I do have more interesting ideas for subsequent novels, but I’m not sure I will be able to get them to work.  Concentrate on the one that’s primarily my life history).

I had to rush out after lunch to get to the baker before it closed to buy sandwiches for when I go to work (it’s an Orthodox institution, so all food has to be rabbinically supervised, so I can’t bring my own sandwiches).  I felt very agitated on the way there, a lot of angry and self-loathing thoughts, fantasies of harming myself etc.  By the time I got home I was too exhausted to hurt myself, but also too exhausted to go for a run (I suppose I had a fairly brisk forty minute walk, albeit interrupted by five or ten minutes of shopping in the middle).  I want to write more of my novel, but I’m struggling to channel my thoughts the way I want or to express emotions (it’s hard to write about emotions when you have difficulty understanding one’s own emotions).  Matthue Roth (yes, I’m name-dropping, I used to have a somewhat famous internet friend) told me not to say my writing is “bilge” because it disrespects my history and my thoughts, but I don’t think my thoughts are worth respecting and I hate my history and wish it had never happened.  I just hate myself so much and I hate my life so much too, albeit for different reasons (my self for being a bad person and a loser, my life for being too painful for me to bear, although if I was less of a loser maybe I would be able to bear it the way other people with similar issues seem to bear their lives).

I’m sorry that I didn’t really reply very well to the comments on the last post.  I appreciate them, I’m just struggling to find words/energy/headspace for stuff at the moment.  I’m still not sure how people can tell from my self-obsessed writing here that I care for others, but I’ll let that go.

So today was mostly a write-off, aside from going out shopping.  I had one or two ideas for my novel, but I haven’t got the energy to write and I don’t know how those ideas will work out.  I thought my novel would be meticulously planned, but increasingly I’m just winging it and that seems, surprisingly, the only way I can write.

I just hate myself so much today.  I wish I had never been born because I can’t see what good I’m doing here.  Today is just marking time, trying to keep going.  I’m not even trying to write.  I did about three minutes of Torah study and a similar length of time working on my novel, just jotting down some ideas so I don’t forget them.  I’m going to watch TV in a bit, Star Trek Voyager and then tonight’s new Doctor Who episode (I hope it doesn’t bore me like last week’s did).

10 thoughts on ““Nymph, in thy orisons/Be all my sins remembered”

  1. Your posts are interesting. Your experience of life is very detailed and reminds me of observations made of my childhood recollections which really apply to the impressions I make now. (Neurodivergence was a factor.)

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  2. I agree with Ashleyleia- it’s a big day for you tomorrow , and a jump into the unknown.
    Except that once you get there, you will be busy organising, and working at your own pace.
    I was interested to read that you can measure the shelves in order to estimate the number of books. It is skills like this that will stand you in good stead, and all sorts of knowledge will be popping up from your previous work experience .

    It’s hard to visualise the future when you’re depressed, so try to be in the present as much as possible. I find it helps when I’m depressed.

    I think you’ll nail it !

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  3. Of course you are anxious and feel terrible. You are starting a new job tomorrow and that would be stressful for anyone, but for you with the handicaps of ASD, social anxiety and depression the apprehension will be overwhelming. And the gap between jobs does make the change harder too – you’ve been home a long time. I am hoping that once you are there you will feel a bit better. Hopefully you’ll be left alone to plan the work in your own way and in your own time. And accept that the first days may be difficult. Change is. And you may find you are tired and not sleeping well. So give it time. I do hope you can find some room for self-compassion – by all means hate the depression and all that goes with it, but not the essential you inside that so much wants to get it right. And while I am hopeful that this work will suit you, if it does not work out it is not the end of the world – you still have your writing. I will be praying for you tomorrow.

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  4. Thanks.

    Yes, I haven’t worked since last March, so going back to work is going to be a shock to the system.

    I find it is hard to have self-compassion; I don’t really think I deserve it.

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  5. I think the stress of your new job may be causing a flare-up in your negative emotions in general. It’s not reality–you ARE a worthy, bright, interesting, likable person. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much.

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