Numb

I think I went to bed quite early last night, but I can’t remember when.  I certainly slept late today, until gone 1.00pm.  Even when I got up, I was very drained.  Completely wiped out, really.  I guess it’s not surprising that I feel like this, considering how stressful yesterday was, more stressful than you realise, as something very stressful happened when I got home that I don’t want to blog about.  I’m trying not to beat myself up about it and just accept it for what it is.

I did a few chores.  I was too exhausted to go for a run, plus I don’t really exercise on Jewish fast days (as today was) even though I’m not allowed to actually fast most of them while I’m on lithium tablets.  I was too exhausted to do anything really.  I didn’t feel able to really engage with either of my main non-work projects, writing my novel and moving towards self-publishing my non-fiction Doctor Who book.  I’m just too tired.  I did fifteen minutes of Torah study and even that was a bit of a fluke.

I just feel numb really.  I feel a little bit anxious and depressed about a couple of things, including work tomorrow, but on the whole my brain isn’t functioning well enough for that.

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who.  I’m not in therapy and while my therapist said she would see me again if I wanted, she felt that we had done almost all we could in therapy and I needed more time in the world to learn to cope with everyday things.  In the past when I’ve been between therapists, I’ve spoken to my rabbi mentor, as he’s a trained counsellor as well as a rabbi, but lately it’s been hard to get hold of him.  He’s very busy.  I could go to my depression group, but that’s not so easy now it’s moved location and in any case the next meeting I can get to isn’t until the end of the month.  That really just leaves the Samaritans helpline.  I’m actually tempted to call them, but I will need to get my thoughts together first, so not tonight.

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This seems trivial, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit: my Tube fare yesterday was a lot more than the Transport for London website led me to expect (I was going to make a comment about the inefficiency of state-run monopolies, but I’m too tired to care, plus I don’t think private monopolies are any better).  I need to decide how much I value the extra half-hour asleep in the morning or at home in the evening.  Right now, in the middle of winter, I think I would pay quite a bit for that extra hour or so a day.  Apparently as much as £6.40 a day, as I plan on using the Tube for the near future.