I think I went to bed quite early last night, but I can’t remember when.  I certainly slept late today, until gone 1.00pm.  Even when I got up, I was very drained.  Completely wiped out, really.  I guess it’s not surprising that I feel like this, considering how stressful yesterday was, more stressful than you realise, as something very stressful happened when I got home that I don’t want to blog about.  I’m trying not to beat myself up about it and just accept it for what it is.

I did a few chores.  I was too exhausted to go for a run, plus I don’t really exercise on Jewish fast days (as today was) even though I’m not allowed to actually fast most of them while I’m on lithium tablets.  I was too exhausted to do anything really.  I didn’t feel able to really engage with either of my main non-work projects, writing my novel and moving towards self-publishing my non-fiction Doctor Who book.  I’m just too tired.  I did fifteen minutes of Torah study and even that was a bit of a fluke.

I just feel numb really.  I feel a little bit anxious and depressed about a couple of things, including work tomorrow, but on the whole my brain isn’t functioning well enough for that.

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who.  I’m not in therapy and while my therapist said she would see me again if I wanted, she felt that we had done almost all we could in therapy and I needed more time in the world to learn to cope with everyday things.  In the past when I’ve been between therapists, I’ve spoken to my rabbi mentor, as he’s a trained counsellor as well as a rabbi, but lately it’s been hard to get hold of him.  He’s very busy.  I could go to my depression group, but that’s not so easy now it’s moved location and in any case the next meeting I can get to isn’t until the end of the month.  That really just leaves the Samaritans helpline.  I’m actually tempted to call them, but I will need to get my thoughts together first, so not tonight.

***

This seems trivial, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit: my Tube fare yesterday was a lot more than the Transport for London website led me to expect (I was going to make a comment about the inefficiency of state-run monopolies, but I’m too tired to care, plus I don’t think private monopolies are any better).  I need to decide how much I value the extra half-hour asleep in the morning or at home in the evening.  Right now, in the middle of winter, I think I would pay quite a bit for that extra hour or so a day.  Apparently as much as £6.40 a day, as I plan on using the Tube for the near future.

11 thoughts on “Numb

  1. Would online therapy via Skype be an option in the short-term?

    It may be best to wait until you’re more settled in at work to make a decision around whether the extra sleep is worth the cost. For the next little while it least it sounds like it is worth it.

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    1. I actually had therapy via Skype with my previous therapist after she moved her practice to the other side of London. The issue isn’t so much accessibility as not being sure that there’s anything to say, or if I’m using therapy as a way of avoiding dealing with my problems in the real world.

      Yes, I think it’s worth it at the moment but may revise my decision if I’m still there in the spring.

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        1. Maybe. I’ll think about it.

          To be honest, today I’m feeling somewhat less stressed and less in need of therapy, probably because my stresses today were mostly very concrete, practical issues rather than emotional ones.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you familiar with 7cups.com? It might help support you. Going back to work is a huge new stressor, and I imagine that would be exhausting until you’ve adjusted to it.

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  3. If your previous therapist was helpful why not ask if she can book you in for a few more sessions especially as she said you could get back to her. If she can’t fit you in then you can look elsewhere but there’s no harm in asking. As your situation has changed there may be scope for further work. I’m assuming you found the sessions helpful? At least she knows your story so you won’t have to start from scratch explaining your background.

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    1. I suppose I feel that I might be using therapy as a way of avoiding dealing with issues in the real world, especially as there isn’t any obvious thing to talk about in therapy other than just off-loading work stress and other stress.

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  4. Sorry to read you’ve been feeling numb and wiped out. Starting a new job is certainly very stressful, so I wish you all the best with that. I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award because I really appreciate your blog. Feel free to read my latest post and participate 🙂

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