I woke up feeling very depressed and lonely today. Mum and Dad were both out for most of the day, which probably reinforced the loneliness; it’s strange how even an introvert loner like me gets used to waking in a house with at least one other person up and about. I went back to bed for over an hour after breakfast because I was so depressed. Work does seem to take a lot out of me. I get through the work days OK and perhaps there is some adrenaline during them, as I sometimes have a burst of energy in the evening after work, but I’m a wreck the next day.
I decided not to go for a run, as it would take too much time. After a lot of procrastination, I wrote an email to a company that installs software for library management systems and online catalogues to ask if they have a system that would be suitable for where I work and if they would be able to install it. I always feel bad asking questions like this, like I should somehow know in more detail what’s on offer. I also realise that sending this stuff to the “contact” box on the website is not ideal and I should have a personal contact somewhere. Plus, I always feel guilty doing things like this by email when I can hear my Dad saying I should phone, although as has been noted by commenters here before, that’s not always the best approach and may be a product of generational divide or differing communication styles as much as by autism or social anxiety.
As well as not going for a run, I didn’t move further towards getting my non-fiction book self-published. I did cook dinner (vegetarian kedgeree, the easiest recipe I know) and emailed a friend who is struggling with her own issues. I also spent half an hour reviewing last week’s Talmud shiur (class). It seemed to make more sense, although it’s taken me three or four attempts to get to this stage and I don’t know if I have the time/energy/concentration to do this regularly. I also managed to work on my novel for half an hour. I would have liked to have spent longer on it, but I wanted to get to bed reasonably early so stopped. I hit my 500 word target comfortably, which was good.
I’ve been beating myself up for stupid things. I worry I’ve upset someone with an innocent blog comment that I would not have made if I had known what the reaction would be, which I should really have guessed. I worry about losing my friends. It feels like it’s objectively true that my friendships seem to end eventually. This is obviously true if one takes a long enough perspective, but that’s not terribly helpful. I do have friends from university (over fifteen years ago) and one from school (albeit that we haven’t seen each other in years), but lately I’ve lost a lot of friends, sometimes my fault, on some level at least, and sometimes not, but it makes me worry that I can’t keep friends. Lately I seem to be some sort of disaster area for social interactions. I didn’t eat dinner with my parents either, because I wanted to eat, watch TV (to try to relax a bit) and then try to do some things I didn’t do during the day (to get some feeling of accomplishment) and the only way to do that was to eat while watching TV so I felt bad for not eating with them.
I worry about losing E. too, particularly as I don’t know how I keep losing friends to avoid doing it in the future. I also worry that I don’t care about her enough, where “enough” is a problematically vague label to fit on an emotion that can’t be easily quantified, particularly when (a) I have always had trouble understanding my own emotions and (b) severe depression is warping my emotional life generally. I suppose I care about E. enough so that she thinks I’m a good friend, which is probably all that’s needed at the moment. I do worry that I can’t cope with people, though. What if E. and I get married (halevi) and then we discover that I can’t cope with living with anyone other than my parents (who I cope with by hiding in my room most of the time)? It’s good that we’re thinking of moving our relationship on, but I’m terrified of hurting E. To be honest, if I can’t make things work with E., I very much doubt that I can make them work with anyone else. I wish we could just date like “normal” people, with issues about religious difference, geographical distance or mental health issues.
I guess there I go talking about “normality” again, as if there is such a thing. “Normal” and “should” are words I should (!) ban from my vocabulary.
Well, I “should” go to bed…