I’m stuck in post work exhaustion again. I went to bed about 12.30am, which is reasonably good for me on a night when I don’t have work the next day, particularly as I was watching a long film which I kept pausing (I think because I was feeling overloaded, although I’m not entirely sure why beyond what I said yesterday about fast cutting in films and TV). But I slept for twelve hours and woke up exhausted. It was an effort to get up and eat some cereal and drink coffee. The food and caffeine did eventually help a bit, but only up to a point.
I went back to bed after breakfast for a bit, from depression as much as exhaustion. I thought about E. I don’t get lonely any more, I just miss E. I guess that’s telling. I do worry we will never get our lives sorted out enough to be together, and I feel bad about that, because it’s much more my life that’s in a mess than hers. I still worry that I’m not feeling the “right” emotions or “strong enough” emotions for her. I am probably over-analysing again. E. suggested today that we have some advantages in having got to know each other well as friends without trying to impress each other, which is true, and I think we have learnt that we have compatible personalities and core values. It’s just that the practical aspects of our lives are so hard to align. I’m not in a fit state to be dating.
I gave up on the idea of jogging again today. I just had too much to do and too little energy, plus by late afternoon I started to develop a headache. Likewise, I haven’t got any further with looking into self-publishing my non-fiction book. I spent some time writing two work emails regarding setting up an online catalogue for the library. I struggled to write the more technical one as I realised my ignorance in the technical side of library management systems and online catalogues, as well as my ignorance generally regarding the inner technological workings of the internet. I’m reasonably confident that the IT person I emailed isn’t the person of the same name who bullied me at school as I found his LinkedIn page and the dates don’t quite fit (he must be a year or two older than me), which is something of a relief.
I forced myself to go to shul (synagogue) and shiur (religious class) even though I was feeling depressed and withdrawn and my headache had not gone when I left, although the pain killer I had taken soon kicked in. In the event, the shiur dealt with the same question I had looked at for my devar Torah (Torah thought) this week, albeit taking it in a very different direction. I found the focus on kabbalah (mysticism) confusing and I didn’t agree with some of the kabbalistic assumptions on which it was based. I also ate a huge amount of junk food there. I got into one of my comfort eating moods and just ate and ate. I wish I’d had better self-control. I find in places like shiur where there’s a huge amount of junk food and everyone is sitting around eating, it’s very hard to eat nothing at all, but surprisingly it’s even harder to eat just a little. Total abstinence is easier than eating a little and when I reached for my first biscuit, thinking that would be the only one, I had already lost the battle. Still, I did go there; at one point even that seemed unlikely.
I tried to work on my novel when I got home. I was easily distracted and eventually became too tired to continue, but I did nearly an hour (including distractions) and wrote about 450 words, close to my target of 500. I’m going to go to bed soon, although I want to finish the episode of Star Trek Voyager I was watching before, one of the irritating episodes where they meet some aliens with a religious belief and patronise them because the writers think that religion is silly and backwards, but can’t say so overtly.