I was catastrophising earlier and beating myself up for stuff that probably isn’t my fault.

I got an email from the IT guy at work in response to my email about installing an online library catalogue.  I thought I hadn’t explained things well and that he didn’t understand me at all and I started beating myself up for communicating badly.  Having calmed down and read the email again, I think he did understand some of what I was saying, but other things I didn’t explain well or didn’t think were relevant, or I haven’t even decided what we could do about them yet.  I’m still beating myself up a bit.  I decided to reply to him after Shabbat (the Sabbath) as I don’t have the headspace, time or energy to do so effectively now.

E. said I shouldn’t beat myself up for not feeling the “right” way about her.  She says there isn’t a “right” way to feel.  I guess I understand that, but I still worry about what will happen between us.  I’ve never been in a relationship for more than a few months, and even that was a one-off.  I don’t entirely know what long-term relationships feel like or involve.  I guess it’s scary because in the last week or so we’ve moved from “It would be great if we could get back together again one day” to “maybe we should be thinking in practical terms about what getting back together would involve and how to get there” which is exciting, but also scary.  But we had a little text talk earlier where she said I shouldn’t worry about this and we both said how much we trust each other.  My rabbi mentor says that, once you get past the initial chemistry, relationships are pretty much entirely about trust, and (in my limited experience) I think he’s right.

8 thoughts on “A Matter of Trust

  1. With the IT guy, I think librarian-speak is probably a very different creature than tech-speak, and getting on the same page might take multiple emails rather than just a couple.

    I agree with your rabbi mentor that trust plays a starring role, particularly when that trust is great enough that you can put your whole self out there to that person. I hope the two of you are able to make the logistics work out somehow.


    1. Re: IT guy: true. Plus communication with me can be disrupted by autism or social anxiety even without the specialised vocabulary of different fields.

      Re: E, yeah, I think we are pretty close to putting our whole selves out there to each other, if not actually there. The logistics are a nightmare though. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

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