I was actually feeling happy last night. I was thinking that I was glad that E. is in my life. Even if we never manage to move our relationship forward, I’m glad about where our relationship is now. It feels weird to be even vaguely happy, it’s so rare in my life, doubly so to be happy about a less than ideal situation because I’m usually a worrier and a glass half empty person.
I went to bed about 1.00am, which wasn’t so bad considering how much I’d done in the evening. But then I woke up at 7.00am and couldn’t get back to sleep. After a while I was going to just get up and start the day early, but then fell back asleep and slept through until gone 1.00pm, which was not good and cost me my run today, admittedly partly because we went out for dinner tonight which affected what time I should eat lunch and when I needed to be ready to go out. The main things I did today were forty-five minutes of Torah study, thirty-five minutes writing an email of support to a friend with religious OCD and go out for dinner with family to celebrate family birthdays, which was good, but has left me drained and needing introvert alone time, but unable to take any because I need to go to bed to get to work on time tomorrow for two important meetings.
Depression, depressive exhaustion and depression-disrupted sleep take a huge toll on my potential activity level. I just can’t do as much as I would be able to do without depression, which is hard to accept when this is clearly how I’ve been all my adult life and how I will continue to be for a very long time, rather than it being a short-term illness that can be cured with medication and therapy (as depression is for some people).
I’ve bought some books lately. It’s not such a problem given that I was earning some money this month, but some of them felt a bit like impulse buys, which I usually try to avoid. It’s probably filling an internal void, although I’m not sure what. I do feel like I’m using 100% of my energy at the moment even though I’m only working two days a week and doing a tiny bit of writing, exercising and Torah study in the remaining days and maybe the void comes there somehow. I’ve mentioned before that I increasingly feel I can only plan for one major task a day, which seems pathetic, but it’s all I can manage. There’s a lot more I want to do with my life which I just don’t have the energy/headspace for, from finishing my novel and moving on with becoming a Chartered librarian to moving my relationship with E. on to odd chores like backing up my iTunes account and joining the local public library (five years after moving here! I am a bad librarian).
Tomorrow is set to be a scary day. I have a phone meeting with the company that installs library management software (LMS) and online catalogues (OPACs) to see if they can help us. The benefactor who owns the library is coming in at some point to see what I’ve done so far, say if he wants me to continue and set a budget for the LMS/OPAC installation project. Somewhere after those things I will need to email the institution IT guy to try to give him a better idea of what I want to do with the LMS/OPAC project, and what aspects of it I need his help for. A lot of peopling, particularly when it will probably be a late night because we’re out for dinner (family birthdays, two almost consecutive). I think there will be a shiur (religious class) in the library at some point for added disruption. There’s some scary stuff later in the week too. Strangely, I’m not feeling too anxious about this, whether from confidence or exhaustion I don’t know.
A second-hand CD I bought turned out to be broken (damaged case, which I was tempted to accept, but I discovered the last track won’t play properly as well), so that I need to complain about that. To be honest, if they offered me a refund I would accept, as the CD was really cheap and I don’t even like the last track much and it downloaded OK to iTunes which is where I listen to most of my music; it’s the principle of the thing really. It’s just another thing to do, like sorting out self-publishing my book and investigating becoming a Chartered Librarian. I have a long To Do List of non-work stuff and it’s hard to find time to do it. And I only work two days a week! I don’t know how I’d cope if I worked more. At least I’m making progress with my novel.