Things are quiet. I’m bored. Who wants a referendum on leaving NATO?
Just kidding! (I hope.)
Seriously, Shabbat (the Sabbath) actually was quite quiet, but that was good after this stressful week. I am still struggling to get motivated to go to shul (synagogue) on Friday and Saturday afternoons. I woke up in time to go to shul this morning, but decided I couldn’t face it and went back to sleep. I think a lot of it is to do with not feeling like I fit in and being worried that if I say the wrong thing, I’ll be… not thrown out, but perhaps pushed to the fringe of the community (or the fringe of the fringe, because I feel I’m on the fringe now). If I feel that uncertain about being there even on Friday and Saturday afternoons, where I do quite enjoy the services, it’s no wonder that the service I already struggle with is impossible to get motivated to go to.
Similarly, I thought of sending some friends my weekly devar Torah emails and then thought better of it when I thought of basing some upcoming essays on controversial rabbis or ideas. This happened during my weekly Friday night insomnia, which I now think is anxiety-related, like my pre-work insomnia.
I did have a better time doing Torah study, managing about an hour and twenty minutes on Friday (very good), and mostly having the time/energy/patience to do it properly i.e. read Tanakh (Hebrew Bible) in Hebrew, study Talmud in Aramaic, look up words I didn’t know in the dictionary or the Reference Guide to the Talmud, take time to think about things and so on. I do get much more out of Torah study when I do it this way, but I don’t always have the time, energy or patience to do it, and certainly I can’t take several thick books on the Tube with me.
My mood was rather better having remembered to take my tablets, but I’m still worried about a lot of stuff, including my relationship with E. (although, as she said, we’ve got to a stage where not trying to be together is as scary as trying. We care about each other too much by this stage for “It’s complicated, let’s give up” to be a pain-free option) and the other thing I can’t blog about. I’m not so worried about work, mostly because I’ve become hugely pessimistic about my job prospects and can see myself stuck doing odd jobs on short-term contracts with long gaps of unemployment in between for the rest of my life.
I do need to move on with applying for benefits now I know I can work part-time and still claim ESA.
There’s a lot of noise from downstairs. A charity my Mum is involved in does a quiz at home each year, basically a supper quiz where you get a group of friends together in a house and fill in the answers online, allowing the charity to save on overheads and have many more tables than would be possible in an ordinary supper quiz. My parents always host a table. I used to join in, but I can’t always cope with the people and the noise (they usually have fifteen to twenty people, all talking at once) and, anyway, to make googling the answers harder, the questions are mostly lateral thinking rather than general knowledge and I’m no good at those. They gave me some unanswered questions and I answered one of them, so I guess I’m good for something, although I felt vaguely that I was cheating.
I struggled to work on my novel. It was hard, given the noise from downstairs and the fact that my brain does not want to engage with the current chapter, which is based to some degree on the most difficult time of my life; like Xeno’s Paradox, I work on it and work on it, but only seem to get halfway there. I worked for about an hour, but a lot of that was spent on procrastination. I try to tell myself that my mind is working at those moments, ticking over in the background, but I’m not sure that it is. I did at least almost meet my 500 word target.
I tried to work after dinner too, but I felt too depressed. Guilt-tripping myself for the times I slipped up and wrote things here that I shouldn’t have written about my parents. Stuff that should have gone into therapy or not been said at all, that I wrote down here. And I invariably went back afterwards and deleted it, but anyone subscribing to my blog by email would have seen it. I’m a terrible person sometimes. I try to be a good person, but I don’t manage it, and I feel awful for those slips.
I tried watching Star Trek Voyager over dinner, hoping to come back to my writing refreshed, but it was one of those episodes focused on a character we’ve never seen before, which can be hard to get into, and about a Big Moral Dilemma, which was arguably too big to be dealt with in a forty-three episode in which several cast members are made up to look like aliens. So my mood was, if anything, worse, and I didn’t feel like writing any more.
Ugh, I should write off the rest of the evening. Watch TV, something more fun than the Voyager episode. The Avengers or something (Avengers or New Avengers).