Good news and bad news on waking.  The bad news was that I had slept for twelve hours and still woke up feeling terrible, tired and depressed.  I had also lost the entire morning and some of the afternoon.

The good news, or at least better news, was that I have lost some weight again.  My weight is almost at the lowest since I started keeping a proper record of it two months ago.  I’m still technically overweight, but not as much.  This despite comfort eating in the last week or two due to stress and anxiety about Mum’s cancer, work and my relationship with E. (which is going fine, but I worry my “issues” will make it impossible to move the relationship on).  It is hard to understand my yoyoing weight (or even my “Wyoming weight” as the WordPress spellchecker prefers); it seems to go up and down with little relation to diet and exercise, although maybe that’s due to insufficient record-keeping.

I went for a run, which was not a particularly good run, but I was struggling against depression and exhaustion (it was only an hour since I’d got up for the second time today) as well as sunlight in my eyes and wind that was often against me.  I did about half an hour of Torah study, plus a chunk of research for this week’s devar Torah, which I probably should not have been doing today, but sometimes I go into a panic about not being able to locate sources or to find sources that support my understanding of Midrashim and the like.

I cooked dinner again, kedgeree for my parents and vegetarian kedgeree (kedgeree minus the fish) for myself, one of my easy “stand-by” recipes that I can cook quickly and without needing a recipe.  My parents were pleased because I’ve cooked dinner on three consecutive nights.  I suspect I will be doing this a lot in the coming months and I’m OK with that, it lets me feel that I’m doing something useful.

I didn’t do any job applications, although there is only one job I’ve seen advertised at the moment that I’m even vaguely attracted by (temporary cataloguing librarian, but full-time and only for two months).

I spent over an hour working on my bibliography for my non-fiction Doctor Who book and made some good progress.  Despite this, I get frustrated by mistakes and omissions in my notes and, more worryingly, mistakes in the bibliography as I put it together (missing commas are important in something as structured as a bibliography).  That said, lately I do seem to be beating myself up about stuff that isn’t my fault a lot, although it’s hard to tell if it’s more than usual, as I do it a lot generally.

And that’s it for today, really!

6 thoughts on “Good Stuff, Not So Good Stuff

  1. I could probably title everything I write with your post title. It does sound like more good than bad though! It’s a positive that you are aware of how hard you are on yourself. As I’ve told many people lately (including myself), feelings are not facts. We have the right to them, but they aren’t always reflective of the reality. In my humble opinion. Now I’m off to look up kedgeree. 🙂

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    1. Yes, it is hard to deal with feelings sometimes. The last few days I’ve been trying to use an affirmation that helped a bit with my religious OCD, that “My thoughts are not always my friends.”

      Kedgeree, as I cook it, is basically rice, eggs, peas and sweetcorn and fish (only I leave out the fish on my portion as I’m vegetarian except on Jewish holy days) cooked with curry powder or some other spice to flavour it. It’s very easy to cook.

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  2. You’re being productive when you’re under a lot of stress, which is quite an accomplishment. I bet they really appreciate your taking care of dinner three days in a row, too. I hope that your mom gets some good news soon. This stage–the waiting for results–was the hardest for me as a cancer patient. I heard the same from other women who had been diagnosed, too, regardless of what stage the cancer was at when it was diagnosed. Soon she’ll have some answers and a treatment plan to follow, and hopefully that will help give her (and the rest of the family) some relief.

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