I managed to get up a little earlier today than usual (around 10.20am, which is still late by most people’s standards), which was good.  It poured with rain all day, so no run today.

I felt really lethargic today and a bit depressed, becoming very depressed in the evening.  It was a struggle to do anything.  I guess I did a lot over the last couple of days.  Pushing myself to do new things always brings some more anxiety in its wake.  I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with my weekly divrei Torah (Torah thoughts) or to keep them up to a high standard.  I shall really have to just wait and see, which is the hard thing.

I did at least manage to do some more work on my Doctor Who book’s bibliography.  I’m grateful for the Index that Doctor Who Magazine recently produced to the magazine’s first forty years (1979-2019).  It must have saved me some extended rooting in back issues trying to locate half-remembered articles.  I spent an hour and a quarter on the bibliography, finishing the references to magazine articles.  I’ve still got to add in a few references to DVDs and websites, but I hope to finish it in the next couple of days and be able to resume formatting the book for publication.

I also spent fifty minutes or more reading this week’s sedra (Torah portion), which was a very complicated, largely legal section with some linguistically-challenging bits, bearing in mind that I’m reading in Hebrew, and that Orthodox Bibles tend to translate according to accepted Jewish law, which is not always the literal meaning, so putting together the literal, legal and sometimes idiomatic readings can be a challenge.  I felt mentally exhausted by the time I had finished.

I also spent somewhere between one and two hours cooking vegetable curry for dinner.  I hadn’t cooked curry for ages.  So I suppose I have managed quite a bit today, but still it feels that there is more to do, and more that I Should do.

***

The institution I was working at in January never got back to me about extending my contract.  I’ve been job hunting again and today I emailed a couple of job agencies to tell them I’m looking for work again.  I’m somewhat concerned about the lack of librarian jobs around at the moment.  Most of the ones I have seen are full-time and/or the other side of London.  I’m still surprised how few part-time librarian jobs are available generally, as I thought it would be a sector that encouraged such flexibility.

I need to think of alternative jobs.  My Mum is still encouraging me to look at primary school teacher/teaching assistant roles, on the grounds that I’m “good with children” although I don’t feel that I’m that good with children, particularly when their parents aren’t around.  She did suggest volunteering to read with children in schools to get experience.  Someone from the OCD support group I went to when my OCD was at its worst did that.  It’s a possibility.  I do feel somewhat stuck despite all the job search help/careers advice I’ve had, which doesn’t do much for my self-esteem.  It’s not that I can’t find anything as much as the feeling that I’m still looking for the wrong job or in the wrong places, but don’t know how to change things.

***

My digital scales said my weight was up to 77.3kg this morning, which seemed a big increase even with the comfort eating I’ve done over the last week or two.  My parents’ mechanical scales said 75kg, which seemed a lot more reasonable.  If my digital scales are faulty, it would explain a lot about why my weight seems to have fluctuated wildly lately.  I would definitely prefer to be 75kg to being 77.3kg!  Although I feel so depressed that comfort eating may follow before bed, even though I know I should resist.  Actually, experience indicates that eating lots of ice cream (my comfort food of choice) will probably make my mood worse, so I really should resist.

***

Doctor Who was not good again.  This whole series seems to have turned into a prolonged exercise in missing the point, like someone read a lot of articles about Doctor Who online and tried to write some episodes without ever having actually seen the programme.

***

I’m just feeling depressed and alone now.  I wrote some further thoughts, but cut them as too personal and too… I don’t know what.  Incoherent, possibly.

Maybe I did too much over the last few days, although it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much; if this is “too much” how will I ever manage anything?

I miss E. too.  Long-distance relationships are hard, especially when it feels like there are so many practical barriers to us ever being together.

I should probably go to bed, or at least move towards going to bed…

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