I felt totally exhausted on waking today, which probably isn’t surprising after the last couple of days. It was a real struggle to get up, eat and get dressed. I did manage it eventually.
In terms of achievements today, I worked on this week’s devar Torah (Torah thought) for nearly an hour, although I still have a bit to do tomorrow. I spent thirty-five minutes working on my novel. I also went for a run. I am not sure how well I ran as I didn’t set my iPod to record it properly, which is frustrating as I would like to know. I seemed to get out of breath and drop into a walk quite a bit early on, but then get back into running and run for longer periods, although in no recent runs have I been running as well as I was last summer, when I was hardly lapsing into a walk at all. I’m not sure what’s behind that, weather, depression or something else.
I was very tired in the evening after my run and for a while I had some strong negative thoughts (self-critical and religious OCD), unsurprisingly as I had all four HALT warnings going (Hungry, Anxious, Lonely and Tired, although Anxious was as much an effect as a cause). I guess I’ve been lonely all day without realising it. I’ve been checking my blog readers a lot, although I don’t subscribe to many so there have been few updates. I think this checking tends to be from loneliness (wanting to connect with people) as much as from boredom and procrastination. There probably is an element of habit in it too.
I did feel a lot better after dinner, although still tired. I spent another fifteen minutes on my novel. I also emailed the shul (synagogue) rabbi to ask if we can meet. He suggested Sunday morning. I feel slightly awkward about it, as I don’t have much to actually ask him, aside from asking if he knows any frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) therapists, it’s more to let him know a bit about my situation in case the OCD is bad before or during Pesach (Passover) or if something happens with Mum. Still, rabbis are supposed to give pastoral care, and I’m paying a lot for my shul fees, considering I’m unemployed, so I might as well get my money’s worth. (Whether I should ask for reduced fees is a whole other issue. I probably should, but I’m ashamed to ask.)
Speaking of which, I’m not sure whether I absolutely need a frum therapist or simply one who has had frum patients and/or some awareness of Judaism. The latter might be easier to find. It probably would make some aspects of treatment easier, but then again it might make others harder.
A side light on Purim: I mentioned I stayed for dinner after Megillah reading at shul (synagogue) on Monday evening. The meal was not gender-segregated and I sat with the person I sit with in shul, plus his wife and adult daughter. I find the extremes of gender segregation in the Orthodox world off-putting at times (not always), but what I really find difficult in my shul is the confusion, in that there is usually gender segregation, but not always, and I can’t work out what the rule is that governs it, if there is one. It’s not like some shuls where mixed seating would never, under any circumstances, happen, but it only happens occasionally and I can’t work out why. I guess as someone on the autistic spectrum I like clear rules, especially for nebulous social interactions, and the absence of one is confusing.