I wrote this yesterday, but for some reason it didn’t publish properly and went to my saved drafts instead. I’m posting it here with one addition at the end.
I fear these posts are becoming repetitive, or even more repetitive than usual. Each day is much the same as the one before at the moment, except for different Pesach (Passover) preparations. That said, I’m struggling with a lot of anxiety today, more than usual, which isn’t so surprising as a lot of anxiety-triggering things happened. On the plus side, that meant that I was doing a lot despite being anxious.
I discussed with Mum and Dad whether the oven cleaner should still come later in the week to clean it for Pesach. We generally get him to come to clean the oven before we kasher it (clean and heat it up, basically) for Pesach use. I was surprised he was still working and felt it was a bad idea for him to come while Mum is vulnerable from chemo, which was a kind of health anxiety, but anxiety for Mum’s health rather than mine. My parents initially wanted him to come, but I managed to talk them around, probably because I think none of us really wanted him to come, we just thought that everyone else wanted it and were going along with it. We won’t get the oven as clean as he would, but I think the risk of Mum getting coronavirus or even something else like the flu is too high to be worth it. Nevertheless, my anxiety level shot up when my parents said that he should come and didn’t subside when we decided he wouldn’t.
Then I cleaned the sinks in the garage today, the ones we use for Pesach (Passover). This involved confronting a lot of religious OCD fears about “contamination” (to use a non-Jewish, OCD word) of Pesach surfaces and utensils with crumbs of leaven food, forbidden on Pesach. The fear wasn’t totally imaginary, as we do occasionally put non-Pesach food down out there during the year, but the reality wasn’t as bad as I feared. This type of religious OCD anxiety is going to be present for the next week and a half at least, until Pesach starts.
I went to the pharmacist to try to request a repeat prescription under the new system, whereby repeat prescriptions are requested via the pharmacist, not the surgery. I’m not sure if this is because of coronavirus as they were planning to change the system around now anyway. I was going to a different chemist to the one I usually use. This chemist has opened recently, some time before the coronavirus hit (which is either exceptionally good timing or exceptionally bad timing). This brought up autistic anxieties about doing new things and not knowing what to expect, as well as social anxiety about talking to new people. There was some confusion about whether I was registered correctly (I think the doctor’s surgery hadn’t set it up properly), but I got it sorted in the end. I walked straight home as I thought it was about to rain, but it didn’t, so I could have gone for a longer walk for exercise.
I dusted and hoovered my bedroom for Pesach (no food in there now until after Pesach!) as well as hoovering the upstairs hall and spare bedroom. This took a couple of hours to do thoroughly, especially as I moved my bed and bedside table to hoover underneath them, as I’ve found crumbs there before. I decided against moving my desk, although I’ve done it in the past. I didn’t have enough time or energy, and it’s unlikely that any crumbs of significant size could get underneath it.
I joined an online session of my depression group via Zoom. I’d used Zoom before, but usually for one-to-one conversations and I found the way the main picture shifted from person to person as different people spoke somewhat distracting. Also, I found it strange to go straight from home life to the meeting without an intervening journey. Since I began exploring whether I’m on the autistic spectrum I’ve noticed certain autistic traits I have that I hadn’t noticed before, and this idea of difficulty with transitions is a well-known autistic trait that I hadn’t noticed so much in myself before now. I did find it just as draining as a regular meeting and as hard to concentrate by the second half. I somehow found it harder to speak than usual, but I’m not sure why. That may have been less due to the technology and more because I’m coping better with isolation than some other people (partly, of course, because I live with two other people, not on my own, and because I’ve been busy with chores and Pesach preparation) and I vaguely felt that I shouldn’t complain.
I’m also reluctant to speak about my relationship with E. in meetings and I’m not sure why; I know a couple of people from the group read my blog, and I’m fine with that, so I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable talking about the relationship with others. Maybe it’s not wanting to go into the whole story of how we ended up together, which is quite complicated or maybe it’s magical thinking and the fear that if I talk about the relationship something will go wrong with it.
I also managed five minutes of seder preparation today and ten minutes of Torah study. I’d like to do more Torah study before bed, but I’m flagging and don’t know if I will get the time. It was a busy day and I mostly was OK from a depression point of view. Anxiety was a lot higher, but I mostly pushed through and did what I had to do. I do need some downtime now, though, even if it means breaking my “No screens after 11pm” rule a bit. EDIT: in the end I decided it was too late to watch TV and read for a bit, but ended up struggling to sleep anyway because I felt too tense.