I’m mostly doing OK today, but I’ll be going along, doing what I need to do, and then suddenly feel sad or anxious for no obvious reason.  Fortunately it seems to shift after a while.  Credit that to Shabbat (Sabbath) and sunshine.  I’m not sure what will happen next week when Pesach (Passover) preparation goes to the next level and rain is forecast.

I went out to do some shopping earlier, to pick up my prescription and some fruit and veg.  The didn’t have my lithium tablets in 400mg dose tablets, only 200mg.  I accepted those (although I didn’t think the pharmacist was supposed to change dosage like that, although maybe these are special times), but it means taking four lithium tablets an evening instead of two, alongside two clomipramine, one olanzapine and some vitamin supplements, plus of course my three morning tablets.  It’s frustrating, but I’m glad to have got the tablets at all, as I don’t know if I would be allowed to go to a different pharmacy at the moment, at least not without difficulty.

I had to wait outside the greengrocer’s for a long time as they were only allowing two people in at a time.  By the time I had finished there, I was feeling extremely anxious.  I’m not sure how much was health anxiety, how much social anxiety (I had to ask the shop assistant some things) and how much is just me beating myself up for stuff that isn’t my fault, in a borderline pure-O OCD way (not Pesach OCD for once).  I could have got home in about five minutes, but I took a detour for fifteen minutes to get some kind of walk as exercise and to fight off the anxiety, but it wasn’t particularly effective.  I would have liked to have gone for a longer walk, but I didn’t as I wanted to do some Pesach preparation alongside my Shabbat preparation.  Now the clocks have gone forward, Shabbat starts later, so as well as Shabbat chores and shopping I’ve done some Pesach preparation, which hopefully will “buy” me some time to bake or exercise next week.

Mum it seems is on the high risk COVID-19 list after all, although this is not completely clear to me.  However, we’re struggling to have the government website to recognise her as such, which we would need to get priority for shopping delivery slots.  The automated phone line flatly refused to recognise her NHS number.

This post seems banal even by my usual standards and I’m not sure that anyone will be interested.  Coronavirus seems to have given us a lots of time to talk, but nothing to talk about.  Aside from Pesach preparation, I’m not really being upset (I’m trying not to use the word ‘triggered’) by anything.  I just feel surprisingly lonely, and worried about E. and frustrated at being so far from her at this time.

9 thoughts on “The Banality of Lockdown

    1. I hope so too. My Mum saw in the newspaper earlier that there seems to have been some sort of national issue with GDPR and the government not being allowed to release the names on the list as intended, so maybe that explains it.

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  1. I was honestly surprised that she wasn’t on the high risk list because I would have thought that anyone in active chemotherapy would be. I’m sorry that it has to be such a huge hassle. I’ve never stood outside a store here, although Costco does that. (only 50 people in at a time) I’m scared of Costco so I rarely go, even under the best of circumstances. It’s jarring for me when things feel normal and then suddenly I realize that they’re not–I won’t be meeting a friend for coffee or heading to a Happy Hour with my boyfriend. It feels surreal.

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    1. It is strange when you suddenly remember what the situation is. Someone (I think at depression group, now meeting online) said it’s like a recent bereavement, when you wake up and then suddenly remember that someone has died.

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      1. There is a quote about how your stomach feels when you’re going downstairs and you think there’s another step there, so you put your foot down, and there isn’t. There’s the drop of your stomach and the lurch into reality. Sometimes there’s the fall.

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  2. Here’s the quote I was looking for, from Lemony Snicket: “It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”

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