I found the last two days of Pesach (Passover) a struggle. I was still dealing with some religious OCD from earlier in the week. Added to this was depression, anxiety and pure O OCD (obsessively worrying I’m a bad person who could do illegal things). The latter has not been seen for a long time and I was upset by its return, although in many ways it’s easier to deal with than the other OCD.
I did the usual Yom Tov (festival) stuff: pray, eat too much, sleep too much, go for one government-sanctioned exercise walk each day, study Torah and read. I didn’t do so much Torah study or recreational reading as last week, as I was feeling too depressed and anxious. I finished The Ritual Bath, a mystery novel set in the Haredi community, and decided that I don’t like police procedural mystery novels as much as Golden Age mystery novels. I think I prefer impossible crimes, locked rooms, bizarre clues and eccentric detectives to sordid crimes, gangs, detectives with dysfunctional lives and mundane police work. I started re-reading Decalog, a Doctor Who short story collection that I know I have read, but about which I can remember very little.
After Yom Tov ended, I helped with the big tidying up, even though I felt very tired and depressed and drank Coke Zero (I prefer Diet Coke) and ate chocolate to try to get energy, without much success. I accidentally broke a dish that previously belonged to my grandmother and that was older than I am (from the seventies). I put it in a cardboard box that I thought was sealed at the bottom, but the sellotape had rotted or been pulled away and the dish fell through.
Eventually I became exhausted and had to stop helping, although I would have liked to have continued.
I have a feeling today that I’m not coping so well. I had various coping strategies and some of them were very maladaptive, but I stuck with them for lack of alternatives. Now I can’t use them and I wonder how I will cope. Maybe I’m catastrophising. I hope so. I wish I was in therapy still. I feel being able to talk to someone objective would help.
I had a weird dream where I stood for election as chairman of my shul (synagogue). I only stood to see if I could get any votes, as I thought someone else would win, but there was a split vote between the two leading candidates and I won. I panicked, thinking I couldn’t cope with this, especially not with my mental health situation and Mum’s illness, but before I could resign, I was removed by the community, who felt I wasn’t involved enough in the shul and that I didn’t rebuke people enough for break Jewish law. Then the dream shifted into upsetting stuff about antisemitism.
There probably is more to say, but I feel exhausted. I’m thinking of watching TV even though it’s really late, as I don’t think I’ll sleep, despite exhaustion, as I slept too much today, as well as drinking caffeinated Coke Zero.