I had a number of victories today: I got up before 11am (just). I got a text this morning from one of my shul (synagogue) friends, checking that my parents and I are OK (he knows about Mum), which was nice, although it was only later in the day that I discovered that I hadn’t sent my devar Torah (Torah thought) properly on Friday, which was probably why he was concerned.
I did an hour or more of Torah study, a very difficult double sedra (weekly Torah reading), Tazria and Metzora (Leviticus 12-15), difficult in terms of length; repetitive and technical language; comprehension (in terms of simple understanding as well as deeper spiritual understanding); and lack of immediate relevance, concerning complex rules of ritual purity and impurity that have largely not been a practical part of Judaism for nearly 2,000 years. At the back of my mind I was also trying to think of things I can say about this for my devar Torah later this week.
I spent over an hour (quite a bit over an hour) working on my short story. I wrote 1,300 words, finishing the first draft. I’m quite pleased with it, although I can see a lot of flaws, most of all the ending, which is the hardest thing in stories like this. I don’t want to go into too much detail, though, as I might post the story in a locked post in the near future. I also went for a fairly decent run and had a long Skype chat with E.
Overall it was definitely a good day. I didn’t want to add a “but,” but… I do feel there’s a tension inside me that could easily explode into despair, anxiety, self-loathing, guilt and all the rest. I already feel some anxiety and obsessive thinking creeping in. Going for a run helped a bit, but I’m not sure for how long. Hence my task for tomorrow is to take steps towards finding a reputable qualified therapist in the UK who sees people over Skype, is currently taking on clients and (the really tricky bit) is within my limited price range (my previous therapist used to charge some clients on low income below the market rate). On the other hand, I don’t anticipate this being open-ended therapy (although I know how easily it can turn into that), so I potentially could afford more than with my previous therapist.
More adventures in malfunctioning technology. The laptop touchpad issue seems to have provisionally sorted itself since the latest Microsoft updates downloaded last night, but my second-hand Life on Mars DVDs are not playing properly, with pictures freezing and pixelating at times. At first I suspected damage to the discs, but damage to three discs in two separate box sets seemed unlikely, and one seems to play on my laptop fine (I neglected to note where the others stuck). My video/DVD player is ancient (not least in having a video player), so it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s on the way out, but I can watch on my laptop for now. Star Trek Voyager appears to play fine.