I did the usual today: got up late, did some shopping (panicking a little about social distancing not being observed/observable), walked a bit, cooked dinner while listening to Intimate Judaism, did nearly an hour of Torah study (very good), tried to work on my novel… Most of that was successful, but there was no rice in Tesco and after walking, cooking and Torah-ing I was too tired to do more than twenty minutes or so of work on my novel and only wrote about 150 words.
I felt really tired by about 7pm and decided not to attend online depression group as I just felt too tired to “people.” Depression group can be draining for me even at the best of times, doubly so on Zoom. When I feel really exhausted and burnt out, I get this sensation of heaviness in my brain, like a dull ache, and it’s hard to think or speak to people or to do anything really other than vegetate in front of the TV or internet or lie down. I won’t necessarily sleep, because it’s a different kind of fatigue, not so much a physical tiredness as an emotional/psychological one. If it’s very bad, I end up in a state that I think is somewhat similar to autistic shutdown, just not doing anything. That’s how I used to get after work in environments that were overwhelming from an autistic point of view; I would come home and just crash in front of my laptop, just browsing online or writing my blog to offload some of the thoughts.
After dinner, I felt a lot better and managed to spend rather more than an hour working on my novel (that’s more than an additional hour, excluding the work I did earlier in the day). Overall I wrote nearly 1,000 words today, albeit that one huge chunk of text I wrote I later realised needs to be cut and then pasted back in quite a bit later in the chapter. I did eat ice cream (cornetto) for dessert at dinner. I’m not sure whether that contributed to feeling more energised. It would be good to know.
I Skyped E. too this evening, so it was a busy day in all. I was feeling good about things, but then I upset my Mum without intending to do so or really being aware that I was doing it, and now my mood has come down again.
I heard back from another therapist. Of the four I contacted, one didn’t get back to me, one charges £40 a session and two charge £30. Of those, one is the male therapist I feel vaguely worried about because (a) he’s male and I feel that I find female therapists easier to talk to (although I’m not sure how true that is or if it’s just a feeling); (b) he’s a psychodynamic therapist and I had a vague idea about trying a new approach; and (c) he sounded a bit pushy on the phone (which is very much an impulsive prejudice on my part). So it’s almost the other one by default, but I’m worried about making a decision that way and so am procrastinating again. (I also have a gut feeling the “default” therapist might be Jewish. That’s totally unscientific and I wouldn’t bet on it being accurate, especially as I’m always telling my Dad not to make assumptions like this, but it might be true. That would probably be good, but maybe not.)